Monday, June 29, 2009

ryan stories of the day

Things Ryan Emailed Me Today, Part XXVIXI:

"I sometimes do a similar, though much more passive stunt, involving jukeboxes. For example, last weekend Jon and I were in Des Moines for his cousin's wedding, which was hella fun and shit. One night we got to go out to this dive bar, well, dive by Iowa standards, if that means anything to you. We had a lot of fun and the people watching was prime...but there were still a bunch of dudes and assholes unified in the classic rock (which I like) block on the jukebox. My stunt: I take ten dollars, and pick 25 songs that are so not going to please the crowd. I didn't get to hear my whole set but right after Black Sabbath and Sammy Haggard came AC/DC's "You Want Blood" with everyone rocking with their hands in the air until my B-52s, Tori Amos, Alanis Morrisette (sp?), Erasure, etc., set took the air out of the room. And I don't pick the favorites, I pick the ones that are totally unfamiliar so even if you like the artist (which they didn't seem to) you wouldn't like/know the song. People did not seem pleased. OR, you can also keep picking the same annoying song over and over and over. I did this once in New York with "Sunglasses at Night" which people liked but for a moment. Then, no more likey."

"I saw a shirt that said, "It won't suck itself," which was gross AND true. "It won't suck itself," I thought to myself. You, or your shirt rather, is correct Sir. "

"I told Jon that this week all the MJ dirt will come out. Now that we've all gotten over the shock, I hope we start hearing some more creepy shit about his life. Why do I love it so? Debbie Rowe, MJ's second wife, says that MJ's kids are not biologically his. REALLY? Duh. They're so not black. But I like that she can admit that now. Poor kids. I hope they can finally live their lives sans feathered Marti Gras masks.

I've been making the following MJ jokes to friends, some of whom think they are funny:

"Now, where will Michael's children get their Jesus juice?"
"How will the sculptor of bronze-cast children support himself?" (MJ had lots of children cast in bronze for his sculpture garden...sadly, not real children.)
"Who's going to get all those delicate, bejeweled blouses?"
"Will the stigma of collecting Shirley Temple memorabilia still be creepy?"
"Budding child stars can't molest themselves, can they?"

Please feel free to add on."


Rye said...

No one ever comments when you post my emails...though, I'm always so excited when you do. I must accept that there is a fart bubble around me and no one wants to come near but you.

stephy said...

I have no idea why people don't enthusiastically commment when I post your emails. Just like I have no idea why people don't post on your brilliant blog. I think we exist on an alternate plane or in another dimension, like Stephen Hawking or like Rain Man or like Corky St. Clair.