Wednesday, October 31, 2007

happy halloweiner

My pumpkin, I accidentally severed the spiderweb and the tip of the cat tail and made its back wonky. I was cussing this pumpkin from start to finish.

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Going trick or treating

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The motherlode

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The Ansels’ living room shelf

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Hilarious dog expression

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Little spider & Petunia

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Monday, October 29, 2007

a year's supply of stephard's pie

Sometimes I do things like look up my name on UrbanDictionary to see what it really means. Here is one meaning I hadn’t known about:
Stephanie n.

A term used to refer to stereotypical sorority girls.

On the weekend, all the college bars are filled with Stephanies.

Onto Steph:
Steph, n.

1. A word used to describe a girl who's mother you have slept with. It is used as a slur if the mother in question gave you an infection and/or AIDS.

2. Also a term used to describe a homo, i.e., a girl who is partial to pussy.

Well, I never! Oh I see they have an entry for Stephany.
Stephany, n.

The Boobular One, that is, the girl with big boobs

That Stephany over there is almost a double E

What, Stephard’s Pie?
Stephard’s Pie, n.

Applies to any hot girl named steph's pussy

Last night i had 4 shots of wieser's and a big slice of stephard's pie.

I think I like this one better.
Stephaniee, n.

The most amazingest person ever.

Stef, v.

To stef a bowl (of weed) is to basically use it as a microphone and instead of hitting it, you just hold it and talk and talk and talk...

"come on man, quit stefing the bowl and hit it already"

Then I looked up Drury
Drury, n.
1. A mayonnaise guzzling whore

i totally piped drury last night, she totally guzzuled my mayonaise

2. Usually a figure who is imbreaded or retarted. Also somebody who is mentally insane and is a sadistic homosexual nymphomaniac. A Person or Thing who is molded in shape of a spermspermhead or non human creature. Moves in a slimery manner just like a sperm

"my god that hideous thing looks like a Drury!!!"

Non-sequitur. Bobby in San Francisco (we call him Fun Bobby) came up with a new series inspired by the With You Always phenomenon. (drawings of white European Jesus hanging out with people as they go about their bidness) Here is one of my favorites, Jesus With The Dentist.

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Bobby’s new series idea is called “Hey, Stop That.” His first picture was of a prostitute talking to someone in a TransAm, and Jesus was looking disapprovingly on with a big “Hey, Stop That!” in the With You Always font. None of us can find it now and that makes me sad, but he sent me this one today:

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I love McSweeney’s reviews of new food! Sometimes I submit them and they are returned. Oh well. Here is one for Gatorade A.M. (“Finally, someone has engineered an athletic drink for people like me, Athletes of Sleep—people for whom it is less physically taxing to be awake than asleep.”)

Friday, October 26, 2007

weiner nougat!

This morning while J was at kindergarden I took R to pick out baby pumpkins and then Starbucks. We sat in an armchair streaked and matted with espresso and the sun streamed in and was so warm on our heads (I love that) and she ate madeleines and drank apple juice and did little dances.

Last night was so fun, we got to go out! Our friend came up to do some comedy thing and also mc a gig in Ballard so we went. When we got there N (the one we went to see) said he had a present for me from Simone and I opened it and it was two pieces of WEINER NOUGAT! Some kind of Finnish chocolate that she got from being in a chocolate club. I cackled with delight over the word weiner and this guy JP said "Um, how old are you?" I said something about how he's the one who wrote an incredibly mature and tasteful song called Paul McCartney’s Penis and he’d better just hush. The people came backstage to tell N what to say onstage and they wanted him to introduce a burlesque show thingy. I hadn't expected burlesqueness. Then a girl wearing only pasties and a g-string walked backstage and whenI I first saw her I gasped really loudly and everyone thought that was sooo funny. I told N when he was introducing her he should say "Her daddy issues are almost as big as her vagina."
Then the burlesqueness started and was a preview to the heavy metal bands that were going to be on and it was all just terrible and we wanted to leave including N but he had to stay and work, he was soo hilarious though, really in fine form and kept saying about the heavy metal bands "These fine young gentlemen are going to come up onstage and crap on porcelain plates.”
This really drunk guy was up front heckling N and I was surprised N hadn't thrown water on him yet. When another burlesque hobag came on the drunk guy ambled back near us and said he had to lean on the wall. He talked about how the girl onstage had a remarkable amount of back fat. The next girl onstage was wearing a pink gorilla costume and fixing to strip it off or something, it was ri-damn-diculous. Backstage the heshers were wearing stretch pants and Hot Topic belts and practicing strumming in front of the mirror. Gay! N talked about how great his job was that he could get paid for making fun of them. N kept saying that a Better Than Ezra cover band from Boise was about to come on and play some fine, fine songs. He told about 11 Red Hot Chili Peppers jokes in a row, really tearing them apart, and these girls down front could not understand it, one said "I love Flea!" and then the left. One girl wearing vinyl devil horns and a codpiece said "Bring out the bands! Get off stage!" and N said "Why don't you come up here with your three nipples?" Someone said "I want my money back" (it was a free show) and Neil said "You can have your money back, how about I take zero dollars and zero cents and load it into a gun and discharge it into your skull?"
Oh, and there were loads of people dressed like zombies. People in ghoul makeup. Fat chicks making out. I do not get the zombie subculture just like I don't get the hobbit thing. Then we were chased from the dressing room so they could do coke or whatever, N said they were doing ginko balboa. JP was really mad that they made us leave, he said he'd never seen that. What’s funnier is that we all obeyed. So we went to Hattie's without N to escape the zombies. JP said to me “Are you from the south? I can tell.” He guessed Alabama, interesting.
At about 1 am N said "Okay, after I introduce these next guys we're heading straight out" and we totally did. It was Napalm Death-sounding music. I am getting old because I used to love that and now it makes me want to scream.
...And I think that's all.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

david's broken bones story

My friend Megan has a 4 yr old named Gwen and lately Gwen is obsessed with bones. Megan has gotten tired of making up bones stories for every bedtime story so she asked David to make up one for her, and here is what he wrote.

The Mystery of Frank’s Broken Bones

by David Drury

Frank was fed up. Food had nothing to do with it. Frank was a man. Frank was mostly a sometimes sad man. He had bad luck. Frank broke a bone almost every single day.

When he went bowling, he broke his back. Oof!

When he went to Boston, he fractured his fibia. Ouch!

When he boiled turnips, his ankle snapped like a rubber band and dangled at the end of his leg. Darn!

Frank even broke a bone when he blew his nose. But not his nose bone, it was the tiniest bone in his tiniest toe. Who would have guessed?

“What a wimpy wimp you are,” said Frank’s friend.

“You have twigs for bones” said Frank’s other friend. “I don’t even want to shake your hand. It might snap right off.”

“These friendships are really paying dividends,” said Frank.

But frankly, frank was not a weak man. He could run without breaking any bones. He could jump without breaking any bones. He could even play full contact ice hockey with no helmet without breaking any bones. The doctors were baffled. A team of doctors shined lights in his eyes and ears, took x-rays, gave him special gum to chew, and tapped Frank all over with a tiny rubber mallet for days and days.

“I can’t figure it out,” the chief doctor said, throwing his hands in the air. “Your bones look strong to me.”

“What does that mean?” asked Frank, chewing his gum.

“It means I am going next door to see the eye doctor. Goodbye.”

Frank Blew a Bubble and both his arms broke.

Even with two casts on his newly broken arms, Frank carefully kept a journal to see if he could figure out why he was always breaking his bones. See if you can help him solve the mystery of the breaking bones.

Day one: Fed the cat (no bones broke), washed the dishes (no bones broke), but when I Baked a pie I broke my thigh. Crunch! Do you know why Frank’s bone broke?

Day two. Fluffed the pillows (no bones broke). Made a call (no bones broke), but when I Bounced a Ball I cracked my collar bone and shattered my jaw (two broken bones). Tweak! Mangle! Do you know why Frank’s bones broke?

Day three: watched cartoons (no bones broke). Flew a kite (no bones broke). But when I Brought a Big Bargain Box of Baked Bread and Bagels to Betty Bonner in the Blue house down Block I cracked three fingers, snapped four ribs, split open my skull, shattered my kneecap, splintered my elbow, and severed my spine (that’s eleven broken bones). Eek! Ouch! Twist! Bungle! Snap! Crackle! Pop!

“That’s it!” said Frank, smiling through the pain of eleven simultaneous broken bones “Could it be,” (twitch, moan) “that every time I do something that begins with the letter B, I break a bone? And if I do two things that begin with the letter B I break two bones? Yes that is it. I will simply avoid doing anything that starts with that horrible wretched troublesome letter B.”

Just then the mailman Joe came by.

“Are you okay Frank?”

“Yes. I am wonderful. Got mail for me?”

“Oh yes a big stack. Here you go.”

“Wow this is a big stack,” said Frank. “I wonder where it is all from.”

“Actually,” said the mailman with a playful laugh,” it’s Bills. It’s Big Bills. I guess you are going to be spending the rest of the day paying Big Broken Bone Bills from Bunches of Big hospitals and the Best Breed of Brave Bone doctors who Bandaged and Braced your Broken Bones, as well as settling the Burgeoning Bank Bills from the Bank of Battle Bluff (at Broadway and Bell) for all the Buckets of Bucks you Borrowed to Budget for the other Bunches of Big hospitals and Bevy of Brave Bone Doctors to Bandage and Brace your Bowed Blistering Bloated Buttery Bones. Oh, but there is also some good news. A coupon for a free Bacon Bratwurst Burger or Beefy Burrito at Big Brad Buckley’s Burrito and Burger Bar with purchase of another Bacon Bratwurst Burger or Beefy Burrito. You’re going to want to use that right away. It’s a Bargain, wouldn’t you say.”

Frank’s bones all splintered, crackled and disintegrated at once into a fine white powder, leaving him a floppy puddle of skin and hair at the mailman’s feet.

“Oh darn,” said Frank.

The end.

how to bug me

Okay, these phrases really bug me and I hear them all the time. Does anyone else not like it when people say
1. "It is what it is"

2. "Comfortable in your own skin"

There are more but I can’t member right now. I feel bitchy even bringing this up but hey. Oh, there’s something everyone says around here about the fog/haze in the morning, people love to say “it’ll burn off.” People who say this seem pleased with themselves. “All of this will burn off.” Nails on a blackboard!

Judah has been saying he has a bully at school. Actually, two - one on the bus and one "in the cafeteria." This concerns us like crazy and we said "tell Mrs. Ridge" (his teacher) and he rolled his eyes and said "I am TOTALLY not going to tell Mrs. Ridge." Well, yesterday he said "The bully shoved me and I shoved him back and he told the princiapal and my bully got in trouble! The principal didn't say any-fing to me!" We said "why's that?" and Judah said "Because he's smart." Oh! I hate a bully. I hope Judah pounds him in to the ground. Judah is tough, and kind of gigantic. That boy better watch out.

This morning Adam Carolla was talking about The Dog Whisperer and he said “I need to have a show called The Cat Yeller. I go to people’s houses and yell at their cats for them. It would be satisfying. I think that would be a ratings bonanza.”

I keep having to do work, and that is bothering me.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

heaven's bakery is cooking something good for you, sister!

I wonder why I think this is so hilarious. Probably because I'm so mature.

Friday, October 19, 2007

sommaren med monika

I had to call tech support today and it went like this-

Tech guy: "I need to get into your account. What's your username?"
Me: "My first name."
Tech guy: "Okay, what's your password?"
Me: "Um...weiner."
Tech guy: "What?"
Me: [wincing] "WEINER."
Tech guy: "..."

I've changed my password now.

I felt dumb again when I had to admit to the doctor that I gave myself whiplash from coughing. But I got some percocet out of it. Percocet party at my house!

My friend Lauren's band is on the new show Next Great American Band and it starts tonight. Her band is called Rocket and I already know the outcome and feel so sneaky but I'm not supposed to tell. Mystery, it's not just the name of Spongebob's seahorse!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

eric howk

My critically hurt and critically adorable friend Eric posted this about his injury. He’s so sweet, I want to adopt him and cook him chicken friend steak all day.
A few points of interest regarding my injury…
*Not for the squeamish.*

I realize that I've been somewhat vague regarding the details of what exactly happened to me, so here's a little clarification, strictly in the interest of medical science.

This is the diagnosis that was given to me no more than 24 hours after the fall. Nothing has changed since that moment, and I would like to once again express how lucky I am that there weren't other complications that I had to work through.

I am a level T-5, complete ASIA-A paraplegic. Which means...

(picture didn't copy, oh well)

...that the vertebrae shaded in that lovely color of lavender were "jostled" when I landed, and the 2nd to the top one moved so much that it actually severed my spinal cord. That's where the word "complete" comes in, meaning that my spine was "completely" cut. So, in simpler terms, everything below that vertebrae, located roughly in the middle of my chest, is cut off from my brain.

As of 2007, no one with a complete spinal injury has recovered any sensation or movement below their level of injury, and so I was told by my surgeon that I will never walk again.

I'm only taking that slightly seriously.


Our country is so far behind in fields of spinal regrowth and regeneration, due to the continuing bans on stem cell research.

In november of 2003, the entire european parliament voted to allow stem cell research in countries that legalize it. Britain and Sweden were 2 of the first, and the work done just in the last 4 years has yielded promising results. Just sayin'...


In the meantime, I'm continuing to do all I can to get back to a normal life. I'm in love with my new apartment, and I've been doing right around a 12 minute mile in my chair, by my guesstimate. If you see me flying by around downtown in my horrendously ugly neon green wheelchair, say hi.

All kinds of love,

richard simmons and his glistening legs on david letterman

And he does scissor kicks!

Monday, October 15, 2007

how many of me?

Because I have this kind of time on my hands (not really but I MAKE time) I found out there are supposedly 22 other people in America with my name (and more than 99.9% of them are female...allegedly). There are 1,133 people (99% female) with my maiden name. I still contend I have one of the more generic '70s cop-out names there are, but at least I didn't marry someone with last name like Weiner or Finger. I used to pray that if I got married their last name wouldn't be terrible. I read in the paper today about a Vietnamese lady with the last name Porn.
LogoThere are
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

This is 13 minutes long but holy mother of God, I love it-

Sunday, October 14, 2007

what would you put on your rider?

I found this somehow, where Supergrass shows you how to play stuff. I could watch these all day even though I can't play guitar and only a pathetic bit of drums. When you watch these you can go to your happy place and pretend you're hanging out with Supergrass. Do you remember what it was like to hang out before you had kids? Oh, you don't have kids? Well remember this delicious time in your life where you can stay out without thinking too much about when to get home and trying not to drink very much and having to pay the babysitter $12 an hour. But I should also say...I was telling someone not long ago, I feel like my life is so much better now that I have kids and I didn't even think it was bad before.

Here is my brother John with my hus-a-band David in Chicago this summer, the funniest smartest kindest boys I know. Will you join forces with me and use the jedi mind trick to will John to move here to Seattle soon? I miss the bloody hell out of him.
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Last night the Foo Fighters were on Saturday Night Live and we told Judah "The Foo Fighters are coming on" and he said "OH BOY! I can't wait till they start throwing food!" He thought we said food fighters. The first part of the song was slow and Judah said "How come they're not being awesome yet?" I saw on the smokinggun, you know how they have all those riders, well Supergrass is the only band that the Foo Fighters will share a dressing room with. They also request 3 clean pairs of underwear on their rider. Why 3 when there are 4 of them? I want to make my own rider now. I will put white couches on it, like J-Lo asks for, and also perfect avocadoes.

I got a headache now moannnnn.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

rad senior prank

I guess this was done on Friday night in Ohio.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

spray the nest

Adam Carolla is talking about how our own form of domestic terrorism is stupid people crapping out kids, then the kids end up going on shooting sprees. He says “Lots of people arrested for all kinds of bad stuff are returned to their children within a matter of days and there has to be a better way to deal with this. When you have roaches, you don’t call the exterminator and ask him to hang out in your kitchen with a slipper till he sees a roach and then he bats at it. You SPRAY THE NEST!”

I wish I was at the spin class where that guy got mad at another guy for yelling "You go, girl!" and threw him out a window. What I wouldn’t give. "You go girl!" Ha ha ah ah aha haa! I bet the defense lawyers will say it was totally warranted.

I'm helping at a women and children's shelter tomorrow night, hopefully it will be a nice dose of perspective and make me grateful for what I have. Or possibly depressed for those poor people, but maybe I can help them somehow. Then everybody wins!

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

buenos nachos

This is Jose. He is obsessed with my new keyboard wrist rest thing. Then Vicki tattled to the boss that we're spending too much time talking in my cube.

Here is Jose acting like he is going to go tap Vicki on the shoulder with the keyboard thing.
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Jose keeps walking by my cube and whispering spanish words for various body parts and making me laugh till I snort. He leaned over my shoulder and said “El pene.” An hour or so went by then he peeked over the wall and said “Vajina.” After another hour he lifted my headphones and said “Testiculos.” Jose! I am trying to WORK HERE! Deseo a trabajo! Or something.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

the room

On Friday we finally watched the dvd of "The Room" that Simone sent me in, like, June. She advertisted it to us by saying
"The Room is possibly one of the worst films ever made. It was written, directed, produced and stars the same incompentent man, so there was no-one to advise him of the trainwreck he was creating. He shot the film in both DV and 35mm because he didn't know which one was better. He shot it with two cameras side by side. Now it is a cult classic for it crapness, and now he is pretending that he always intended it to be a comedy."
We finally watched it and we were smitten. I can't wait to keep spreading the gospel of The Room. Here is one of my favorite scenes:

Thursday, October 4, 2007

what can't adam complain about?

I adore Adam Carolla and here are some of his quotes (nay, rants) in LA Magazine:

“In general, stupid people play the lottery. That’s why it’s a horrible thing for the government to sponsor. It’s saying, ‘You ain’t gonna make it through hard work.’ You came to this country or your great-grandparents came because it was an even playing field, and they were gonna sock away their money and maybe they didn’t make it, but the next generation went to college and through perseverance and education made it. The lottery says, ‘Feh, feh to all of that!’ It says, ‘Here’s your one shot, baby, your one goddamn shot. So put on your housecoat, pull up your slippers, hammer that welfare check, and come on down.’ It’s ironic that the money goes to education. Most of those playing the lottery don’t have a goddamn GED. The lottery is state-sponsored gambling for retards. We should be ashamed of ourselves.”

Adam on Paris Hilton saying that being stripsearched at the Los Angeles County Jail was “the most humiliating experience of my life” :

“Let’s make it the second most humiliating,” he says. “Everything will be second until you shoot another bootleg porn and you’re dressed like Hitler. She says she wants to transform herself and become a substantial person. What’s standing in her way? Let me tell you what was standing in mine. I come from a group of people who don’t know what success is. I didn’t feel smart. I just felt dumb. I got horrible grades, barely graduated from high school, and then someone handed me a shovel and said, ‘Enjoy the rest of your life.’ I knew I needed to infuse myself with confidence. I knew I needed to start at the bottom and build up. So I built a core. Until that point I was just a shell.”

“I’ve had an assful of everyone named Jessica—Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Tandy. I just think Jessica Alba is vapid. I’ve never heard her say anything smart. Every time I ask, ‘Why is Jessica Alba such a big star?’ guys go, ‘Dude, have you seen how hot she is?’ Well, that’s great, but what year are we living in? There are other good-looking women who have something to say.”

On ranchera music:
“Will you turn this down? It’s the most annoying shit. Why do you guys listen to this? Is it just to annoy whitey?”

On his white Labrador, Molly:
“She has an anus the size of a tea saucer. It’s all I see when she leaves the room. I’d like to put a pirate’s patch over it.”

But my favorite quote from last week came from Shane as we were driving to Pike Place Market listening to Bronski Beat and his kids asked from the backseat if they could please watch Frosty the Snowman:

“Uh, NO. I’m not turning off Bronski Beat just so that you can watch a seasonally inappropriate movie.”

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

tattoos and God

I told this girl in my office that I want another tattoo and she sent me this email that said

"'You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the LORD.’ - Leviticus 19:28

Read it!!!! Look whose talking - I am the best or worst sinner around..."

I wrote back

"That's a good point. But Leviticus says a lot of other things like, you have to wear two kinds of cloth woven together, you have to cut the sides of your hair, and follow the laws concerning purity during your period. Do you avoid eating fruit or grain harvested from the edges of the field? Do you rise when an elderly person enters the room? If you do all that you should by all means not tattoo yourself but with regard to others you should not hold a grudge against any man for tattooing or anything else (also Lev 19:18).

:) "

Do you have mixed feelings about emoticons like I do? I feel they are necessary sometimes but using them makes me feel a little ashamed.

Monday, October 1, 2007

fat people love diet coke!

I am reading this book by Dixie Carter (I know, just you hush) and she says “I don’t know a single overweight person who isn’t addicted to diet soda.” I have a hard time believing she wrote ‘soda’, her editors must have done that because where we’re from soda is coke, even 7-up. But think about all the people you know who are addicted to diet coke. ... Now isn't that interesting.

David was in Vegas over the weekend and I single-parently (that’s kind of like single-handedly, but harder) made this for breakfast for the kids. I’d never made them sunnyside up eggs before (takes too long) and they didn’t dig the runny factor. They sure liked the vegan sausage though.
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I’m scanning my recipes and putting them at this blog so they’re easier to share (there are only 3 up right now - I'm going alphabetically through my file - could take a little while). I’m only scanning the very best ones so they come guaranteed. No apologies for my oft-cryptic handwriting. These’ll be worth something someday y’all.