Friday, November 30, 2007

making southern women look dumb

I'm hope I'm smarter than Kellie Pickler.

And the host is a choad. Is that Jeff Foxworthy? I'm not real sure.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

the tender cinnamon magic machine that produced hannah montana

Happy birthday dear David. David’s the best, and I think he’s super funny. Here is an example for the people at home. He was asked this probably-unintentionally-amusing question about this song: “Who do you think could learn the most from the song? or who do you think needs to hear its message? It'd be great if you could give me five-ish individuals, people groups, types of people, or whatever who you think could learn the most.”

And here is what he said, I thought it was funny.

If, during the holiday season, you have ever confessed to your significant other, “I am so in love with you my debit card is getting hot and tingly,” or “When I saw the deep discounts at Abercrombie, I wanted to lick the chai nog latte off of your hummingbird tattoo,” then this song is for you.

We think the message is one of seasonal Jesus-y hope, romantic joy, and soap dropped in Sam Walton’s shower.

With this song Tennis Pro extends our down-home brand of holiday wishes and/or stinging rebuke to:

1. Lovers in reindeer sweatshirts all around the world who show up at the mall with folding chairs and a cooler.
2. The tender cinnamon magic machine that produced Hannah Montana.
3. The fine makers of Skyy Vodka.
4. KING 5 news anchor Jean Enerson.
5. Anyone who has been in a Car Toys store, like, ever.
6. Moist 106.9 FM, “Where the Christmas Spirit is running down our leg.”
Julie just sent me these turkey pics she took at Thanksgiving, I hope my vegeterian and vegan friends will forgive me.

radio love/hate

Driving home a familiar song came on and I couldn’t remember what it was so I was waiting for the singing to start. It sounded like it might be “Crazy” by Seal and reminded me of 1992 and I was in the mood to hear that one. The intro was taking forever, then STING STARTED SINGING! It was “if I ever lose my faith in you” and I felt violated for having listened to it for as long as it did when it was Sting. Then I wondered why I felt so violated. Maybe I should ask TheRapist about this. Maybe she'll say "Cause you were listening to Sting."

Monday, November 26, 2007

trent lott fallout

Can you Republican senators please quit teabagging each other for two minutes until you at least get out of office? What are you so scared of, dealing with nasty ugly reality and parts of yourself that don't fit into a nice neat religious and political framework? I know, me too.

Sunday, November 25, 2007


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tashes to the fore
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bobby & julie came up from san francisco
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red velvet cake
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turkey neck
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she said "it's boo-ful"
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davy & mexican coke vs. the judah paparazzi
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julie vs. paps
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david's birthday cake
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Thursday, November 22, 2007

happy thxgvg, y'all!

This Canadian PSA is for real. Watch with caution.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

fried butter balls

I went looking for turkey gravy instructions and came across Paula Deen's fried butter ball recipe. I still can't believe it's real because Carrie and David have this thing with making fun of her and saying "Coming up next, my butter-soaked butter balls with butter au jus." I didn't think she'd actually made them! I hope she makes fried Crisco balls next. I just love Paula. I fancy myself her bastard child. I made her 7-layer red velvet cake tonight, for Thxgvg tomorrow. Judah tasted the batter and said "I think it tastes a bit perfect." Then when he saw all the layers he said "Oh my super gosh! I don't want to say this, but...that looks super yummy. I want to say a bad word or something."

I heart Thanksgiving. Macy's day parade, chex mix, devilled eggs, and the onslaught of food and the first day of playing Christmas music. Oh and let's not forget Black Friday. I put a song about it at my myspace, "the biggest shopping day of the year" from the record "Are you there, God? It's me, Tennis Pro." I'm thankful for my sanity (what there is of it) and my continence. These are easy to take for granted, but seriously, what if you didn't have either of them? Thank you Jesus in the sky for sanity and continence the world over! And for corndogs.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

mark driscoll's glory hole

The Stranger ran this article about Mark Driscoll. John told me it’s probably not good for my blood pressure to be reading this stuff. I’m repulsed and yet I can’t look away!

David came in here and said "Let's watch Hot Fuzz" and I said okay and THEN Oprah came on and it is the holiday special favorite things episode! (said in Oprah's hollering voice) where she gives away shitloads of the raddest prizes ever! David moaned with misery and collapsed onto the floor while I jittered with joy. Just the sound of Oprah's voice pains him.

Here is your new favorite video, I know it’s mine!

Monday, November 19, 2007

i think john madden has a man-crush on brett favre

Carrie told me she saw a DVD of Eurovision, which is kinda like American Idol in Europe (annual singing competition with an entry from each country) and this is a clip of it. I'm not afraid to say that it made my day.

We saw No Country For Old Men on Friday and it was amazing. I've never been more tense in a movie. But the ending was too David Lynch-ish for me, or I am not cerebral and arty enough.

I think I'll also make my Savannah High Apple Pie for Thanksgiving. Because I don't think we have enough food already. I'm going to have to start cooking tonight to get a start on it and then I hope we don't run out of room in the fridge for it all. Someone told me that this is more cooking than people up here usually do for Thanksgiving. I guess you can take the girl out of the south, but you can't take the south out of the girl. And once you go black, and it's all fun and games...and all that.

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Check out my pie, it's big enough to choke a mule, wouldn't you say?

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Judah & David talk about God

David: God is omnipotent. That means he can do anything he wants to do.

Judah: Can he eat all the junk food he wants?

David: Yes.

Judah: Can he stretch his tongue over his head so far that it touches his butt?

David: Hmm...

Judah: Can he tie his penis in a knot?

two gay guys fighting in the middle of a highway

Friday, November 16, 2007

tiffani-amber lesion

I don't know why I've been writing here so much lately, it must be extra boring at work. Anyway, as some of you know I make a mix cd every month, yes, every month with the timed precision of the mortgage payment and a pregnancy scare. I've finished my November mix and now I want to figure out how to load it onto iTunes so people can partake at will...but I'm too tired.

Skitzo Dancer (Justice Remix) by Scenario Rock
Koka-Kola Veins by The Tough Alliance
No Diggity by Klaxons
Guava by Ray Rivera
So Lonely Without You by Betty Crutcher
Slippin' Into Darkness by War
Scythian Empires by Andrew Bird
Good To Sea by Pinback
Melody Day by Caribou
Nantes by Beirut
On Call by Kings of Leon
Shabop Shalom by Devendra Barnhart
I Saw Her in the Anti-War Demonstration by Jens Lekman
Let's Call It Off by Peter Bjorn & John
Maybe Lately by Miracle Fortress
Anemone by Brian Jonestown Massacre
Higher Than The Sun by Primal Scream
Void by The Mary Onettes
Don't You Evah by Spoon
Beethoven's Fifth Gold Digger (mashup) by A Plus D
Paper Planes by M.I.A.

Lara said she hates her algebra class and I said I hated algebra too, and then she went "How did YOU get through college, anyway?" She was very serious and it was so funny. It's a good question, actually. And I finished in 4 years, isn't that supposed to be an anomaly? I don't know how that happened. Then Lara made a list of why she is surprised I graduated.
reasons how i am astonished that you got thru college:
you hate people telling you what to do, you hate getting up early, you hate homework, you can always find something better to do, you would rather talk about makeup, you often have a hard time finding places (classrooms) even if you have been there before.....

Look it's Rainn Wilson in a rumpled suit on a plastic toy making me choke from laughing!

Thursday, November 15, 2007


I'm so excited about Thanksgiving, Bobby & Julie are coming up from San Francisco and I can't wait. During a meeting at work today I drew all the stuff I'm going to cook so I could get a visual. Here's the meeting handout I drew on, I'm going to show you what a dork I am just in case you weren't clear.

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We've been writing down what we're thankful for and putting it in a jar and at Thanksgiving dinner we'll read them. Tonight Lolly said she is thankful for Addie's birthday party that is coming up, and Judah "I'm thankful for our house...and turkey...and Bobby and Julie coming here.'

Simone has been thinking up new Harry Potter Jelly Belly flavors which I guess are gross, the Harry Potter thing is one of the few bits of pop culture I'm not really interested in, but anyway David came up with some flavors of his own and they made me laugh so hard I was coughing. Here are my personal favorites of his:

German Shepherd

Cream of Federline

Aluminum Fork

Dysen-Teri Schiavo


Flintstone Vitamin

Tuna Melt

Yellow Curry

Wet Cigar

Aspirin Schnapps

Shower drain hair clump

Warm jog bra

Lee Press-On nail

Throbbing Diaper

Underwear Sand

Seaweed 'n Foreskin

Retirement Home Bathwater

Moth Flitting in Ranch Dressing

Meatloaf Dishrag

Soiled Cucumber

Tiffani-Amber Lesion

Vulture Yogurt

Pants Pudding

Productive cough

Nicole Ritchie

what do you get when you cross elton john with a sabre-tooth tiger?

Simone sent me this picture of Jack Black picketing in Judah’s favorite Neil Hamburger shirt.

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Here's Judah wearing his.

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He wishes I would allow him to wear it to kindergarden.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

i'm the pterodactyl whisperer

We were watching Flight of the Conchords and they have a superfan who stalks them and annoys them like crazy. I saw myself in her and started saying “Oh no, Supergrass hates me.” Then the stalker’s husband said from the car “Can we go now honey? It’s cold out here.” David said “Ha ha, that's you and Supergrass, and that is totally me sitting in that car!” But I know he likes them as much as I do, he is just not vocal about it. He said “I wonder what Supergrass thinks about their three biggest fans being two married chicks and a lesbian?” (meaning me and the two other psycho uber fans we know.) We decided that their girlfriends are probably happy about it. (Here is a clip of Flight of the Conchords, their stalker appears about 2 ½ minutes into it.)

My coworker who used to be a barista told me today to order a chai latte made with egg nog. I cannot wait to try this. Chai nog! I just love the word nog. Okay, this his how she said to order it: a tall (or whatever size), no water, eggnog chai tea latte please. Ha ha, she specified to say please. I never say chai tea, just chai cause I figure that means tea so it seems like saying "chai tea" is like saying "PIN number" or something. Hmm. I have to ask her about my paranoia of asking for lattes to be 130 degrees. It won't burn your callow mouth parts at 130 degrees, but I'm afraid of being the harried uppity soccer mom bossing around the barista with a million tiny coffee specifications while she's trying to contain her Heelys-wearing kids and herd them into her Yukon.

Carrie just told me about this Texas restaurant in Ballard! Nilla wafer banana pudding and barbecue breakfast tacos! And they have Shiner Bock! I’ve never found that anywhere up here and it's the only beer I really like. I like the quote about their chicken fried steak: “You have to tenderize the living shit out of it.” And also cook it in Crisco, I say. I don’t tenderize it myself but I have the butcher run it through the cuber. That makes sure it’s perfect. Yee haw!

mommy all-time career high

I got the best letter from Rilian's preschool teacher. She goes to Judah's old preschool and he's a big kindergardener now, but he didn't have school yesterday so he helped out at preschool. His teacher sent me this and I'm so happy I just have to post it.

I was going to email you about Judah. We loved having him help in class today! He came in with the attitude, "I'm a helper. I'm not here to play." Erin dumped rice all over the floor and Judah spend forever sweeping it up. He kept asking what he could do. At circle time he answered questions about Joseph and his colorful coat and when we were singing the younger kids kept looking at him as their example. He was so grown up! I remember his first day of preschool when he and Eowyn dumped cornmeal all over the floor and jumped up and down in it. He's come full circle! And his feet are almost as big as mine! (Quite the stylish shoes by the way.)
I don't know if Rilian told you but Erin pulled the back of her hair today. At circle time Rilian wasn't sitting on her animal spot so Erin was trying to get her to sit using unconventional methods. It didn't even seem to faze Rilian. You can tell she's used to being around other kids because she's definitely not a wimp and sticks up for herself.
You and David have done such a great job with your kids. You should be proud!

Monday, November 12, 2007

learned helplessness

Lee said this today and it was so funny and timely.

Learned helplessness is nasty, pervasive, and tiring to deal with. And I'm probably being generous in my application of the label—rather than true learned helplessness, sometimes people just want the world to participate in their fixations and narcissism, making any deviation from the pictures in their heads into incomprehensible, insurmountable obstacles.

Prescription: high dosage of Cope & Deal, with a tall glass of Shut The Hell Up to be ingested until said dosage takes full effect.

I want to be better at identifying harmful people. The line is blurry for me but I'm trying to get better. Why can't I just STOPPIT!?

Saturday, November 10, 2007

stop it!

This picture was at pink is the new blog…what in God’s holy name is David Beckham doing to that guy’s shorts??

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This video about therapy is funny. It must be so hard for therapists to not actually do that.

Friday, November 9, 2007

supergrass side project to gig in london

I wish I could make it to at least one of these.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

quote of the day

Yesterday David said, "I've douched with things more manly than Mark Driscoll."

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

nelly/the office mash-up

Blood alone moves the wheels of history!

Monday, November 5, 2007

fall back

My favorite holiday is Daylight Savings Time in the fall when we gain an hour and ever since I’ve had kids I DON’T GET TO USE IT TO ITS POTENTIAL! The kids get up an hour earlier than usual and I can’t sleep in. I can’t do a damn thing but make breakfast and find the Perfect Cartoon to suit them. Maybe it's not my favorite holiday anymore.

I was just rifling through the front desk candy bowl along with another lady who plucks all her eyebrows out and when it's her birthday she buys herself birthday cards that she makes everyone sign. (Her name is Mavis.) But that's not the point of the story. The point of the story is she held up a Peep and said "What the hell is this?" and Verna, a disgruntled, ahem, OLDER lady who has tall hair and is perpetually pissed off said "I don't know and if I don’t know what it is I don't eat it!" I grabbed two Peeps and hightailed it out of there.

OMG how much do you hate the bathrooms at work? I feel so violated by the smell of poop that smacks me in the face whenever I go in there. There are something like 300 women that work on my floor and only 4 stalls in the bathroom. I guess it manages to stay reasonably clean considering, but I just hate hate hate the concept so much. Carrie and I talk about "bowl blasters," people who fart unashamedly into the toilet bowl and the sound swirls around and echoes fantastically. I try so hard not to look at their shoes or anything so i won't be able to identify the bowl blaster and have to think about them farting everytime I see them in the hall.

The Tiddy Bear informercial is good times.

thoughts on the mark driscoll video below

David said this about the Mark Driscoll video on the "chickified church":

Remember when King David banged that hot chick that wasn't his wife. That was bad ass. Way less chickified than when he weeped and cried and felt sorry about it.

Remember how Jesus treated women as equals in his healing and ministry, even though it was culturally unacceptable. That was so.... oh wait. That was pretty chickified.

But remember when the manly pharisees were so innovative as to drag that adultress out of bed and bring her to Jesus and Jesus told them that the person without sin should cast the first stone. That was pretty manly... or wait. That was weak. What a chick thing to do.

David's best friend Rich said this about it:

Yeah! Mark Driscoll is so right! Like the time when Jesus was such a weakling and told Peter to put down his sword and the time he let people kill him in an undignified way instead of pulling out an uzi and busting up shit up on their Roman and religious asses! I think that really hurt our faith...Well...I guess it was before our faith begun, but maybe it is Jesus' fault for beginning our faith with an act of weakness and LOSING - how lame! And why when they were accusing him was he so silent. He should have bitch slapped those mofos. Blessed are the meek my ass! That must of been a scribal error. Blessed are the meek. Tell that to Iraqis! Ha! Blessed are the poor. Yeah, whatever. Ever been to Darfur? Way to go Driscoll! DUDE!

Sunday, November 4, 2007

mark driscoll makes the baby jesus cry

I'm sad that this man is the pastor of a big church.