Thursday, January 29, 2009

for whom the dong tolls

First of all, you know I'm certifiable, right? Second of all, you know I think the word "dong" is really funny, right? Third of all, yesterday Simone was saying that a dong should be able to gong a gong. I thought that was hilarious of course and David said it sounded like Dr. Seuss. Then he wrote this poem. I think it's brilliant.

"If Your Dong Can't Gong a Gong"
A Lost Dr. Seuss Poem
by David Drury

If your dong can't gong a gong, with a ringing kind of banging song
It may not be a dong you see, for a tiny branch makes not a tree.

It may not be a dong at all, for with one brick can you build a wall?
With one inch can you make ten? Not without a nine-inch friend.

But don't despair all day long, if your gongless dong can't gong a gong
Some ears find queer that ringing kind of banging song.

Some say bricks are better than walls, (go ahead, say it if you've got the balls)
For if Humpty Dumpty had shunned that old wall (for it was very very tall)
And chosen rather to sit on a brick, like some tiny dickless dick
Would he have fallen? No , not at all.

if your dong can't gong a gong, with a ringing kind of banging song
It may not be a dong you're swinging, but a ding you're ting-ting-tinging

"Dang!" You declare. "What is a ding?"
A ding is a tinkling tiny thing. A whimper, a whisper, a sad little chime
A quivering prayer on the tongue of a mime.

A ding is not wrong, but it can't gong a gong, with a ringing kind of banging song
A ding is a cock, but it aint no bling bling, it can't fly a kite, it can't wear a sock.
It can't do impressions of Sinatra or Cash, can't smoke a cigar or dash the forty yard dash.

Nothing can make a ding a dong, not pills or pumps or pulling all day long
But what can make a dong a ding? Lots and lots of frightful things
A well-placed kick, a girl who clings
Or one who shows her pad with wings
These are dreadful, frightful things

Who most likely has a ding? Any inbred English king.
Fabio is surely cursed, Dane Cook, Cher and Fred Durst.
Cheech: ding
Chong: dong
but then again they hit the bong
That will really ding your dong.

This sing-ey song is long as a listing dong. Left or right? No right or wrong.

So if you can, then gong that gong with a ringing kind of banging song
And if you can't, then buy a Chevy, find a girl who's getting heavy
She'll cook and clean and do the baking, and if she's loud, she's probably faking.

But whether ding or whether dong, never ever wear a thong. That is wrong.

the chaser's war on everything

The Chaser's War On Everything is an Aussie tv show that is now getting played over here. Thanks to Simone for getting me obsessed.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

unintentionally highlarious!

Extra bonus is the name Merdeces Colon (it's Colwin but it sounds like Colon) and that dude's goatee! Masterpiece!

Monday, January 26, 2009

clip time

Remember this PSA? I sure do! When I'm slow on the draw and needing somethin to chaw, I hanker for a hunk o cheese!

Look at Stains the dog being taunted by cupcakes! I love the name Stains.

And now for Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians. But...they left out Lance Bass.

the bird and the bee

Here is The Bird and The Bee performing "Witch" last October. I really love this. It sounds like it's from an old James Bond movie.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


I'm quite taken with this bow at Etsy.


Isn't it cute?


I also like this old French pendant.


You can flip it over and make it say Non.


And I also love this cameo bracelet.


Oh and this Chia Obama head!

That's it, I think, for now.

Friday, January 23, 2009

steam o consciousness blogging

It occurred to me that maybe the best blog entries would just consist of the emails we send during the day. That would surmise what we’re thinking about stuff, for those who give a rat’s ass. Here is a sampling of what I’ve sent to Simone & Carrie in the past two days. We email each other when we first get in the office and then keep it up all day. Total morale booster for me.

So here are my thoughts, in sent email apologies for mundane-ness.

“I'm already really excited about Obama reforming Guantanamo Bay. During this morning's meeting in the computer lab I kept sneaking on cnn to see what was up on his first day o' presidency.”

“When is your audition today? If they call you fat I will personally come down and curb stomp those phlegm wads!!”

“That's so funny that your computer at work might get switched out because I'm getting an extra monitor! I'm so excited. Shari said "Stephanie, two screens does NOT mean double the internet!" and I said "Oh yes it does!" Some consultants said that our department will be more productive if we have dual screens so we don't have to flip between screens all the time like we usually do, so they're using our little office of 3 (me, Shari & Alecia) as a trial run. We think they picked us because we're the youngest and most friendly towards technology, and the least likely to bitch about change. Ha! I think we get them next week. I can't wait for the training meetings to be over with. They displace me from my office all day while they're in there doing their sessions and I'm all disoriented. Not that I really mind, it's a switchup, but it's just getting old by now."

“I'm sitting here doing my morning interneting while listening to Adam Carolla and I just choked on my spit from laughing and had to walk around the room with my arms over my head while everyone said "are you okay?" I was laughing because someone called into the show and said "Michael J. Fox needs a bongload. He's all shaky. He needs to settle down!" HA HA HA SETTLE DOWN! Poor Michael J.”

“I will put that Wishful Drinking on my list. Right now I'm reading "Straight Up & Dirty" by Stephanie Klein, only because it was at Urban Outfitters and I am always interested in their reading material. It's okay, not bad enough to put down yet.”

“Rhonda said that she got a ton of free makeup b/c of a class action lawsuit involving Macys and Nordstrom! She said we should check and see if our stores are giving shit away!”

“I hate being displaced from my desk. I love that Rich is going to be here tonight! I hate that I have to go to work tomorrow for a stupid meeting. I love that Judah has a family dance at his school on Friday! But I hate that D's team's family dinner at Gordito's is at the same time. Which to go to?!”

“I think buying a lot of lottery tickets is the ultimate white trash thing. What do YOU think?”

“Someone posted on my blog that they cried because they were sad Obama won. It makes me so sad that people can’t be inspired and have hope. Why? Why? You’re only shooting yourself in the foot if you do that. Why would they prefer GWB to Obama? I’m dying for someone to tell me but they only say ‘I don’t want to argue.’ I don’t want to argue either! I want to interact! I want to engage! I want relationship, dammit. RELATIONSHIP! And hardly anyone else seems to want it. Precious few, you know what I mean. Why can’t we have that, and hope? Why is passion interpreted as being negative? Sighhhhh. And of course they signed the comment Anonymous. Of COURSE.”

“Well on Saturday I’m going to a baby shower for Racheal Huffman. That's really how she spells it. She's in that KK band and her husband is the singer guy and she is so nice! They're having a boy and naming it Kiddo. Then Sunday is Lolly's bday party. There will be vodka and chili in case you can make it but no pressure, yo. I'm also gonna make some kind of Paula Deen cake. Yes I will.”

“I wish you could have heard how hilarious a drunken Gregg was being in the drive-thru at Del Taco. I was in the backseat and was laughing SO hard and Simone was humiliated at him yelling over her ordering and I was choking with laffter! I guess it doesn't do a lot of good to tell you about it if you can't experience it. Sorry about that. I will attempt a horrible reenactment at your earliest convenience.”

Oh, and here’s a tidbit directed at Shane:

“Hi! I got your message over the weekend. I was at a wedding at the time. Judah was tearing up the dance floor that very moment you called. Lolly was a flour girl, just kidding, a flower girl in the wedding. Pictures and video of dancing Judah are at Facebook. Oh wait, you're not on there anymore. Too bad so sad. The wedding was in San Luis Obispo and then we stayed in LA with Simone and her husband for two days. That was magical. The weather there is so great. But I like the weather here too. I know I'm weird like that.”

“More trip details later. I'm recovering still from the anti-Obama sentiment and the meeting I just got out of which was painfully long and unlikeable. Got some good boss quotes, though.”

“My teeth hurt. I think I've been grinding them out of boredom.”

Thursday, January 22, 2009

the inauguration

I'm just so happy about the election I cried. I couldn't stop crying during his speech. I just am so glad and thankful for someone who can unite so many people this way and even inspire ME. ME! I feel suddenly proud to be an American instead of embarrassed. Just that is remarkable. I think more than Obama himself, or maybe as much I should say, I like the hype, because it means people are inspired and excited. And that is a wonderful thing! I really think so!


I was really overwhelmed on election day, more than I really thought I could be, that a black guy is president! It's so cool! So much has been overcome. And I know that there's nothing new under the sun and many problems will still come and he could be the antichrist or something, but I think I should rejoice for the hope I have. Not hope in the government because that's a losing battle for sure but hope in the unity that the country is feeling. It's fannntastic I do say, my good sir!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

link happy

I've got some links from Word magazine. Hope you're nice and bored.

Portion of his presidency George Bush spent at or en route to vacation spots: 1/3. Harpers Magazine has the last eight years in frequently terrifying numbers.

If you want to buy Frank Sinatra's old Palm Springs shag pad, now's your chance.

Little Big Star is like Guitar Hero or Rock Band. Except that it's free, and you use real instruments.

The BBC are repeating Sharon Horgan’s breathtakingly frank comedy about the mating rituals of young professionals.

Videos of extreme sports aren't the kind of thing we'd normally link to, but this is really something else.

Jinni is like Pandora, but for movies. Could we finally have a recommendation engine for film that actually works?

The Word's legendary production editor "Seventies" Mike Johnson falls in love with an album otherwise considered one of the worst ever made, while reader Patrick Crowther pinpoints the precise location of the best guitar solo in all of popular music, both here.

Is it possible that people are dying more frequently than they used to?

Keane, by all accounts, are good blokes who went to nice schools. Is this why they get so much bad press?

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

the pervasity of taco bell between cultures: a chat essay

Aussie vegetarian and all-around obnoxious moralist Simone (kidding Simone) AND southern carniverous me both love Taco Bell. She calls it TB for short and sometimes tuberculosis for long. If you're exceptionally bored, this is us chatting today.

me: david and i talked a long time about taco bell last night
and what it means to us, and what it has meant in our lives
Simone: HAHA. wow. what did you talk about?
and I'm having taco bell for lunch! i can't wait!
me: like how i loved it so much starting in high school, i became obsessed with their bean burritos and i was known for loving them
Simone: KNOWN! I love that!
me: and in spanish class when they'd ask what i loved or what i had for lunch or what i wanted, i'd say "un burrito de frijoles!" it was my standard answer
Simone: ahahahaah excellent
me: and david and his friend phil olsson always scourged up change in high school and walked to taco bell and devoured it all
Simone: i need to add that to my Taco Bell blog
me: he said it was almost sexual how obsessed they were with it! haha
Simone: you guys are so lucky, we don't have TB in australia
i feel sexual with coke sometimes. I totally get it!
me: i get it too! I LOVE coke!
Simone: when i first discovered taco bell, i was obsessed with it i ate it SO MUCH
me: and still, TO THIS DAY, bean burritos aka burritos de frijoles are my very favorite fast food. that's true love. that's the test of time right there.
no other expensive burrito is anywhere near as good as a 59 cent bean burrito from tuberculosis
Simone: Yum! Pre-veg I was obsessed with beef tacos poor gregg always driving me to TB and ordering beef tacos at the drive through window
have you ever have the mexican pizza? i get it without beef, but it's the best
me: i have had mexican pizza but it never really 'took'
Simone: hmm
maybe because the beef is so foul
try it wothout without
me: i do not eat meat at taco bell it is my lifelong policy
Simone: that's a wise policy
me: i am frightened of it
Simone: you should be
me: i have made exceptions in the past with chicken tacos
Simone: it looks so bad
me: but not anymore
Simone: even when i ate those beef tacos, it seemed like a bad idea
me: i am not a discriminating eater of meat, but i won't eat meat at TB
Simone: hahahaha so funny
me: david however wolfs down them beef tacos like a hibernating bear
Simone: if the only food left in the world was taco bell, would you be a vegetarian?
they were good
i tried to make them at home with the official TB seasoning and fake beef but it wasn't good they never give you the true flavours in those home versions
me: hmm prolly not even that for vegetarianism
i got a TB bean burrito home kit and it wasn't the same either!
Simone: assholes
i joined when the chihuahua was all the rage
i have a few talking ones
and there was one on a bag we travelled around the world with we took that guy all over Europe! me: did you name him?
Simone: i don't think we named him. he was just the TB chihuahua
so filthy he dragged on the ground a lot maybe he's still around
if he is, he should be washed
i couldn't believe when they got rid of him
have you ever had the fiesta potatoes?
me: yes and i don't like them
but i don't really sample too much of what else they have besides bean burritos
Simone: i don't either
i was all about 7 layer burritos for years but this veggie girl i knew turned me onto the mexican pizza sans meat
then the other day I tried the potatoes they are great if you avoid the nacho cheese sauce
me: david and i had a heart to heart about the 7 layer burritos!
Simone: wow! what did you decide?
me: so funny how we both loved them at the same time, when we lived so far apart and didn't yet know each other
Simone: i love this site
me: he said he didn't like that faux-guacamole and i agreed, but i enjoyed the rice in it while he didn't so much
Simone: the guac is okay if you don't isolate and judge it
me: it was fake guac, though
Simone: the rice is good, but it's better in the del taco veggie works burrito the guac comes out of a gun
me: a makeup gun
Simone: i love those guac guns!
me: homie, you had it set on 'whore'
Simone: hahaha

Thursday, January 8, 2009

7th birthday


I can't believe I am the mother of a seven year old. I remember being pregnant with him like it was yesterday. I remember finding out I was pregnant with him in vivid detail. I was so, so, so, so happy. I remember the first time I held him and how he looked around and sucked his fingers. He had wise little eyes.

I made 7 ball cupcakes for his class. There was one left over and he brought it back on the bus and said everyone wanted it but he wouldn't let them have it because he was saving it for his sister. He said "I don't want to let my sister down. I always let her down and I don't want to this time."


And when he wakes up in the morning, I'm going to show him this clip.

southern women & gravy

Today my friend Terra from back home posted on her Facebook status that she wanted to know how to make gravy. Within minutes she had a bunch of replies from the lot of us. Look how fervent we all are about gravy!

Terra wonders how you make gravy. As in mashed potatoes and gravy. Anyone? January 8, 1:34pm

Olivia at 1:35pm January 8
flour and grease

Lori at 1:37pm January 8
And milk.

Terra at 1:37pm January 8
I need a recipe, people! And I don't have grease. Or lard. Or shortening. Or beef fat or anything like that. How bout butter?

Stephanie at 1:38pm January 8
Yeah, whisk flour into grease. Redeye gravy is coffee in ham grease.

Olivia at 1:38pm January 8
google it and you will find hundreds!

Katie at 1:39pm January 8
white gravy - some kind of grease (bacon is best), few spoonfuls of flour, cup of milk, salt & pepperbrown- go with the McCormick packaged stuff from the seasoning aisle

Lori at 1:39pm January 8
1/2 cup vegetable oil 3/4 cup all-purpose flour 1 teaspoon salt 1 teaspoon ground black pepper 4 cups milk

Christy at 1:39pm January 8
i do mine with leftover grease that i keep in fridge (i know gross). and flour, and lots o milk...

Stephanie at 1:40pm January 8
You can't stop stirring forever and your arm gets hell of tired but you'll totally f it up if you don't constantly stir.

Katie at 1:48pm January 8
you know you're in your 30s when you ask a question about gravy and instantaneously have a million comments from all your friends from the South

April at 2:02pm January 8
A great way to use butter is on medium heat melt butter 1 stick of butter and then add flour, add enough to make a thick paste , and then start adding milk, add maybe like 3 cups or so, it will seem like way to much but will thicken with witht flour, add salt and pepper to taste and your done.

Terra at 2:05pm January 8
Thanks mamas! It's hilarious that I had 8 responses and a phone call within 5 minutes of posting!

Rachel at 2:07pm January 8
You dont have grease? Do you live in Arkansas? haha

Terra at 2:10pm January 8
It's one of the many (many) Arkansas traditions that I've opted out of.

Terra at 2:10pm January 8
Hey, another question. Can I make it now and reheat it right before dinner?

Stephanie at 2:40pm January 8
Only if you want it to suck.

Ashley at 6:51pm January 8
This entire thing made me laugh out loud. Especially Stephanie's comment at the end. I love Southern Women!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

ann coulter and matt lauer

I'm really glad for free speech allowing Ann Coulter to talk because it's really fascinating, and I'm dead serious. I totally love watching her being interviewed. I mean, holy shnikies. This first one was from just this morning, and the second one is from Oct. 2007.

Friday, January 2, 2009

kelly foster

I found a writer who seems to be about where I am lately, but I think she might be more gracious than I am. Her article here really resonated with me, and so did this one on why she watches Sex and the City.