Friday, October 26, 2007

weiner nougat!

This morning while J was at kindergarden I took R to pick out baby pumpkins and then Starbucks. We sat in an armchair streaked and matted with espresso and the sun streamed in and was so warm on our heads (I love that) and she ate madeleines and drank apple juice and did little dances.

Last night was so fun, we got to go out! Our friend came up to do some comedy thing and also mc a gig in Ballard so we went. When we got there N (the one we went to see) said he had a present for me from Simone and I opened it and it was two pieces of WEINER NOUGAT! Some kind of Finnish chocolate that she got from being in a chocolate club. I cackled with delight over the word weiner and this guy JP said "Um, how old are you?" I said something about how he's the one who wrote an incredibly mature and tasteful song called Paul McCartney’s Penis and he’d better just hush. The people came backstage to tell N what to say onstage and they wanted him to introduce a burlesque show thingy. I hadn't expected burlesqueness. Then a girl wearing only pasties and a g-string walked backstage and whenI I first saw her I gasped really loudly and everyone thought that was sooo funny. I told N when he was introducing her he should say "Her daddy issues are almost as big as her vagina."
Then the burlesqueness started and was a preview to the heavy metal bands that were going to be on and it was all just terrible and we wanted to leave including N but he had to stay and work, he was soo hilarious though, really in fine form and kept saying about the heavy metal bands "These fine young gentlemen are going to come up onstage and crap on porcelain plates.”
This really drunk guy was up front heckling N and I was surprised N hadn't thrown water on him yet. When another burlesque hobag came on the drunk guy ambled back near us and said he had to lean on the wall. He talked about how the girl onstage had a remarkable amount of back fat. The next girl onstage was wearing a pink gorilla costume and fixing to strip it off or something, it was ri-damn-diculous. Backstage the heshers were wearing stretch pants and Hot Topic belts and practicing strumming in front of the mirror. Gay! N talked about how great his job was that he could get paid for making fun of them. N kept saying that a Better Than Ezra cover band from Boise was about to come on and play some fine, fine songs. He told about 11 Red Hot Chili Peppers jokes in a row, really tearing them apart, and these girls down front could not understand it, one said "I love Flea!" and then the left. One girl wearing vinyl devil horns and a codpiece said "Bring out the bands! Get off stage!" and N said "Why don't you come up here with your three nipples?" Someone said "I want my money back" (it was a free show) and Neil said "You can have your money back, how about I take zero dollars and zero cents and load it into a gun and discharge it into your skull?"
Oh, and there were loads of people dressed like zombies. People in ghoul makeup. Fat chicks making out. I do not get the zombie subculture just like I don't get the hobbit thing. Then we were chased from the dressing room so they could do coke or whatever, N said they were doing ginko balboa. JP was really mad that they made us leave, he said he'd never seen that. What’s funnier is that we all obeyed. So we went to Hattie's without N to escape the zombies. JP said to me “Are you from the south? I can tell.” He guessed Alabama, interesting.
At about 1 am N said "Okay, after I introduce these next guys we're heading straight out" and we totally did. It was Napalm Death-sounding music. I am getting old because I used to love that and now it makes me want to scream.
...And I think that's all.


xoxo, Xtina said...

awesome. i haven't heard "weiner," "codpiece," and "hesher" within the same story since the 90's.

Tickled His Elmo said...

I guess I need to say more when I'm out with you.