Stephanie, I just need to unload. With another displaced southerner. If ONE more person from my extended family or ONE more conservative christian friend sends me ONE more email about Obama being a baby killing terrorist I think I'm going to cut them off. I'm not kidding. I'm realizing that many of my peeps are soooooo much dumber than I thought. It is a sad and maddening fact. Thank you, my southern friend, for not being stupid. I love you.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Here's an article from The American Conservative about why this conservative guy is voting for Obama. Kinda interesting, to me anyway. And here's one more thing where NPR analyzes Obama's worldview. For whatever that's worth I thought it was interesting too.
And here are two other things I thought were interesting. If you have small children nearby maybe get them away from the screen. I pulled a muscle laughing about these. I'm going to hell, save me a seat.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Okay and then, Lauren Conrad was on Letterman last night and he was so hilarious with her. He goes "It raises the question: maybe you're the problem. For a long time I thought geez, people are idiots. Then it occurred to me - is it possible that I'M the idiot? And it turns out I am! When you think it is maybe only one person that's hard to get along with, maybe that person is you?"
I like Michelle Obama. I would like to go to Target with her too.
In other news, I have a stalker. He's pretty low-key but I said hi to him on the bus last week and asked who he was carrying all the gerbera daisies for, and he was all "My name's Kevin! What's yours?" and wanted to shake. Within two minutes he was telling me how his mom died of breast cancer nine years ago but it's the anniversary of it and around this time of year it's still really hard for him. He is married and yet offered me a ride to work on Fridays when he usually drives...thank God I don't work Fridays. Then yesterday he was waiting for me (!) halfway to the bus stop. He was just stopped in the sidewalk and waiting for when I'd come down, then handed me a piece of paper with all his contact information on it. He seems harmless enough but wtf!
Monday, October 27, 2008
...and again at sunset.
I’ve been thinking about gay marriage lately because the California vote on it is going to take place soon. I think that if we live in a democracy, it should be legal. It’s not going to hurt straight marriages or God’s design of marriage. If God exists, his design can’t be thwarted by a law. What can man do to me? said the psalmist. Christians talk about anti-gay stuff and are very adverse to it, but I think they/we are missing the fact that God destroyed Sodom & Gomorrah not because of the gayness and sodomy festivals and homo-olympics, it was because they didn't listen to him. And how often do Christians who have a major problem with gayness also not listen to God? How many of them run from relationship and being humble and being open and how many of us build this self-protective shell and fail to reach out and do good when it's in our power to do so? I feel so sad about all the energy being spent in the wrong place. I hate that I spent so many years doing that myself and I want so much to head towards truth and not keep going towards being self-righteous and defensive.
That was heavy. Let's talk about Crocs. My dislike of Crocs is intense, and then I saw this and now it’s even more so! Holy mother of God, heeeeeelp!
And this just in...my dear darling Trophy Cupcakes are on the cover of Seattle Magazine. They should actually be on the cover of Time, but maybe that isn't too far off.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Gary The Unicorn
By David Drury
“Okay, people,” said Robert, scratching at the pleats in his khakis with a clipboard. He was the only one in the group of 15 not wearing a red Office Max vest.
“Let’s huddle up. I show 8 minutes to open. Are we all here?”
Outside, a few customers stood around checking their watches and peering inside at the employee gathering behind the checkout registers.
“Now, as we all know, Terry from regional…. Ashley, are you wearing anything under that vest other than cleavage? And is that glitter? This isn’t one of your rave concerts. Wash that stuff off.
“Terry from regional is going to be here this time tomorrow. We’ve all been on pins and needles for the last week here trying to get the store in order. We really need to wow ‘em on this one, gang. Regional is expecting to see marked improvement in our displays, and a clean, well-organized store as always. Now… wait. Who is missing? We’re missing somebody.”
From far down the mailing supplies aisle came the sound of air whooshing from a spray can before it clattered to the ground. Then there was an uneven clippety clop.
“Gary,” sighed Robert, shaking his head. The circle of red vests parted as Gary came around the corner.
“Sorry I’m late,” said Gary. “Traffic was crazy. I think there was an accident or something. Which is weird because I left extra early because I knew today was so important.”
“Were you huffing paint a minute ago?” asked Robert
“You’ve got silver paint around your mouth.”
“That’s part of my Halloween costume,” snorted Gary.
“Halloween was, like, a month ago,” said Ashley, licking her thumb and rubbing off the glitter.
“Traffic didn’t prevent you from stopping off at Starbucks along the way,” said Robin, rolling her eyes. “I had to shelve your shit for the last 45 minutes.”
“Well, no. I got this before the traffic jam. I needs me a pumpkin spice latte or I’m no good to anybody. Thanks for doing me a solid, Robin. We’re totally square now.”
Robert scowled and turned back to the group. “Alright folks. Jeremy, quit staring at Ashley’s glitter. You got the doors. Make sure you make eye contact and greet those people with a smile. Cashiers in your places. The rest of you know where you need to be. Gary, I want to see you in my office.”
Gary tossed his flowing white mane to one side and stamped his hoof. He followed Robert to the office.
Robert sunk into his leather office chair and swiveled nervously.
“Gary, do you remember what you were doing before I hired you to join our family here at Office Max?” Gary swished his tail and stared off into space.
“Filling out an application?”
“You were stocking shelves in a faux-hawk and studded white belt at Hot Topic. You had just gotten fired for smoking marijuana and playing Halo in the break room. I found you standing in the mall fountain crying your eyes out.”
“I gave you a chance.”
“Is this about being late?”
“It’s about everything, Gary. Lack of punctuality. Bad attitude. Your hygiene issues have been showing up in the suggestion box.”
“Is that all?” Gary snorted, pawing at a flea with his front hooves, smearing it into the carpet.
“We’ve had complaints about someone making multiple copies of their genitals on the photocopier and taping them up in the loading bay,” said Robert.
“That was so Mike,” said Gary.
“It was your genitals, Gary. You don’t wear pants. We know what your genitals look like. Let me ask this. Is everything okay at home? Robin and Ashley both have raised worries that you have been cutting again.
“Ashley is a whore. Robin would be a whore, but she’s too fat.”
“We know what you think. We all read your blog Gary. Which is another thing. You really are crossing a line with the personal remarks about your coworkers, the fictional sexual escapades, and the pictures of you posing with firearms.”
“Why do you hate me?”
“I don’t hate you, Gary.”
“Why do you treat me differently.”
“You are a unicorn, Gary.”
Gary flared his nostrils. He whinnied and raised up on his back legs. He drove his head down, and with crushing force his horn found a file cabinet and bore it straight through it. Gary raised the creaking file cabinet off the ground. Papers and file folders drained from the metal wound, covering the floor. He tossed his head from side to side until he managed to throw the cabinet off into the wall with a crash.
“What do you want to do with your life Gary?” asked Robert, leaning back in his chair and twiddling a pen. Gary raised up a hind foot and put it through the wall behind him.
“I want to sell office products at affordable prices.”
“What else, Gary?” Gary stirred as if he might bolt through a wall.
“I’m working on a screenplay.”
“Right. What was that called?”
“Well,” Gary began, backing his hindquarters into a chair which creaked and exploded beneath him, “there’s Unitard: A Parapalegic Unicorn Learns to Dance Again. That’s a feature length. I’m sort of stuck on that one. So, currently I’m drafting a made-for-TV sort of thing called CSI: Unicorn.”
“Are the unicorns the killers or the crime-solvers?”
“Little bit of both, I’m afraid.”
There was a long pause. Gary began sniffling. Robert reached into a desk drawer and pulled out a handful of sugar cubes and tossed them into the air. Gary snapped them up.
“Nobody loves me,” Gary cried, tears forming in his great big eyes. He whinnied and wailed and let the sugary saliva run down his mouth and fall to the floor in great big drops.
“What makes you say that?” Asked Robert.
“When I go out for a smoke break, everybody leaves the smoking area.”
“That’s because they are tired of having to hold the cigarettes to your mouth.”
“What’s so bad about that?”
“You demand no less than half a dozen cigarettes at once. You wheeze and cough with each puff. And no one wants to have to help a unicorn smoke cigarettes. It’s just wrong. It’s like putting a condom on a clown.”
“Everybody puts me down. They ask me to make them a rainbow or grant them three magical wishes. It’s bullshit. That’s prejudiced. That’s racism.”
“But you can make rainbows, Gary. Granting magical wishes is what you do.”
“Yes,” said Gary with a hopeful air.
“So get out there and grant magical wishes,” said Robert. “Wear that vest with pride. Make rainbows in the forest of dreams. Rainbows of post-it notes and printer toner.” Gary straightened up and took a deep breath.
“And watch that horn around Kathleen. She does not like that. She’s a feminist, and she will press charges.”
This was big for me because my growing up was marked by rushing around and being late and us all blaming each other. Now I feel like I have one more tool towards turning the tide in my own little family.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Me: Hi! How were the kids this morning?
D: Hi! Kids were grumpy.
Me: Oh no, how come?
D: Didn't like the cereal offered. Or pants. Worried about being late to bus. Worried about Barack Obama's correct address. Poopy and fighting.
I have a lot of videos that made me happy today, wanna see? First, the Daily Show segment on Wasilla!
Then, Jon Stewart explains why he said what he did about Sarah Palin.
Here is McCain roasting Obama at the Alfred E. Smith dinner. I was loving both McCain and Obama so much during these speeches. Here’s Obama doing his roast [part 1 and part 2]
Then here’s a Curb Your Enthusiasm clip that Aaron sent. Holy not suitable for work! You’ve been warned.
And lastly here’s an article by Frank Schaffer Jr called Frank! As A Former Pro-Life Leader How Dare You Support Pro-Choice Obama?
Monday, October 20, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
My scary, Right-Winged Uncle is at it again. Here's the latest email blast to the family:
Subject: Fw: : Dr. Jack Wheeler Regarding Obama.
Do a Google search on Jack Wheeler and you will find some very interesting reading.
Jack Wheeler is a brilliant man who was the author of Regan's strategy to break the back of the Soviet Union with the star wars race and expose their inner weakness. For years he wrote a weekly intelligence update that was extremely interesting and well structured and informed. He consults(ed) with several mega corporations on global trends and the future, etc. I think he is in semi-retirement now. He is a true patriot with a no-nonsense approach to everything. He is also a somewhat well known mountain climber and adventurer.
Dr. Jack Wheeler Regarding Obama
Written by Dr. Jack Wheeler
The O-man, Barack Hussein Obama, is an eloquently tailored empty suit. No resume, no accomplishments, no experience, no original ideas, no understanding of how the economy works, no understanding of how the world works, nothing but abstract empty rhetoric devoid of real substance.
He has no real identity. He is half-white, which he rejects. The rest of him is mostly Arab, which he hides but is disclosed by his non-African Arabic surname and his Arabic first and middle names as a way to triply proclaim his Arabic parentage to people in Kenya . Only a small part of him is African Black from his Luo grandmother, which he pretends he is
What he isn't, not a genetic drop of, is 'African-American,' the descendant of enslaved Africans brought to America chained in slave ships. He hasn't a single ancestor who was a slave. Instead, his Arab ancestors were slave owners. Slave-trading was the main Arab business in East Africa for centuries until the British ended it.
Let that sink in: Obama is not the descendant of slaves, he is the descendant of slave owners. Thus he makes the perfect Liberal Messiah.
It's something Hillary doesn't understand - how some complete neophyte came out of the blue and stole the Dem nomination from her. Obamamania is beyond politics and reason. It is a true religious cult, whose adherents reject Christianity yet still believe in Original Sin, transferring it from the evil of being human to the evil of being white.
Thus Obama has become the white liberals' Christ, offering absolution from the Sin of Being White. There is no reason or logic behind it, no faults or flaws of his can diminish it, no arguments Hillary could make of any kind can be effective against it. The absurdity of Hypocrisy Clothed In Human Flesh being their Savior is all the more cause for liberals to worship him: Credo quia absurdum, I believe it because it is absurd.
Thank heavens that the voting majority of Americans remain Christian and are in no desperate need of a phony savior.
His candidacy is ridiculous and should not be taken seriously by any thinking American.
Pass this on to every thinking American you know!
Ryan's response to all:
This Jack Wheeler email is filled tripe and is so troubling to me. I find the xenophobic culture behind Wheeler's shaky claims meant to assassinate Obama's character offensive and very disappointing. Statistics show that, on the whole, Americans are afraid of what goes on outside of U.S. borders more than we've ever been. Largely due to Bush's presidency, America is a more polarized nation than ever and really needs someone who can unify us, not cause us to fear our neighbors.
Wheeler, and McCain's campaign for that matter, are desperately trying to play on voters' fear of otherness and peg Obama as non-American or to be more specific, an Arab. Obama is not an Arab and doesn't identify as one. So what? Name and ancestry have little if anything to do with this presidential campaign unless, as Wheeler infers, it is more important that we fear and reject any candidate deemed non-American rather than examine their character and candidacy.
Playing Obama up as someone who does not have American's best interests at heart is unfair, unsubstantiated and a dishonor to his years fighting just get a seat at the table in a country that would allow him, and many minorities like him, to do so. I would challenge you to continue your research but don't lose sight of what is truth, what is false and what is political terrorism meant to play on your fears. It seems all McCain and his more desperate, curmudgeon supporters, like Wheeler, can do lately is smear Obama's character--a sophomoric tactic not uncommon in politics or school yards.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Gregg said I could post his letter to Marriott if it would help keep them from distributing their evil brand of signage. Let's join forces to keep this form of evil from perpetuating itself! I was dying laughing that he actually wrote the letter, then the Marriott guy wrote back and I'm dying laughing all over again!
From: Gregg Turkington
To: Marriott Courtyard
Date: Tuesday, Oct 14, 2008 13:34:22
Subject: Courtyard by Marriott Do Not Disturb signs
I travel upwards of 100 nights a year and am a huge fan of Courtyard by Marriott. While I stay in almost all the various chains in my travels, I always recommend Courtyard as the single most consistent hotel brand out there...it is completely reliable, with no deviation in quality from location to location. I love it! In fact, in many cities, I often prefer the Courtyard by Marriott hotels to the Marriott flagship brand hotels. In any case, I wanted to make a complaint about your new "Do Not Disturb" signs. I guess some foolish consultant there decided that a simple "Do Not Disturb" was not flashy enough, because at my recent stay at the Courtyard at the Knoxville airport, I found that the signs now read "I need Me time" or something to that effect. How obnoxious! I am not Paris Hilton, or Dr. Phil, or some spoiled narcissist. I'm just trying to sleep! The notion of "Me time" is not cute, nor funny, nor charming. It's just annoying. Do you really think that the average Courtyard customer speaks that way? I somehow doubt it. Is it really "Me time" to simply want to sleep without being disturbed? Ditch the "Me time" garbage and bring back the trusty and inert "Do Not Disturb" signs. (And incidentally, the new signs didn't work--the maid knocked on my door in the morning while I was trying to sleep.)
From: Fred Bullard
To: Gregg Turkington
Date: Oct 16, 2008 12:44 PM
Subject: Re: Courtyard by Marriott Do Not Disturb signs
Dear Mr. Turkington :
I want to take the time to thank you for choosing the Marriott Courtyard for your overnight travel to the Alcoa area. The Courtyard team has done extensive research into our future direction and brand voice. I would not totally disagree with your observations at this time. However, I know that with time I may change my mind concerning our new direction and our new signage including the Do Not Disturb sign which we just received. Finally , I apologize for our room attendant who missed the new signage and disturbed you during your stay.
Fred Bullard CHA
Courtyard by Marriott Alcoa Airport
You are a Reality-Based Intellectualist, also known as the liberal elite. You are a proud member of what’s known as the reality-based community, where science, reason, and non-Jesus-based thought reign supreme.
I just saw that url at the bottom of the quiz for fightconservatives.com and I'm not really interested in fighting conservatives, it would just be so nice for us all to get on some common ground, just a bit of it, and empathize with and hear each other. God, doesn't that sound so hippy-dippy? But I think my big problem with conservative thought is that most of them will hear none of what I think and they seem to think it's invalid. They seem to think that the fact that I used to identify myself as right-wing and now that I don't, well, they don't find that remarkable at all or want to ask me questions about how I came to that place. I don't even necessarily want them to agree with me, I just want them to listen and entertain my thoughts because they're valid, and I want to hear their stories and be a good listener to them because they way that they came to their decisions is important too. I think that we all could agree on a whole lot more if we weren't so bi-partisan but it's human nature isn't it...and here I am perpetuating it with a 'fight conservatives' link, so I want to disclaim that if I can at all. Anyway, what I think is so important about hearing each other on this (and on everything) is that our own stories inform the way we interperet things. And my story is that I come from abuse and neglect in an extremely Christianity/churchianity-informed home and I now work in public health and I see so many heartbreaking cases due to poverty and abuse and people falling through the cracks due to lapses in the system and my heart aches and aches for these people all day long. SIGH. I really want to learn to grieve well what I've suffered though. I don't want to be angry at The Man (for me, the Man is sort of the big emperor of chuchianity who has no clothes); I want to grieve for the little girl I was. I think if I can do that I will move towards being free of misplaced anger and getting more at truth. Hmm.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Me: I bet while Gregg had his Do Not Disturb, I'm Having Me Time sign on his door, the people walking by thought "That guy staying in there is probably in his bathrobe with a towel wrapped around his head and cucumber slices on his eyes, and he's listening to a tape of whale sounds and ocean waves, and he's chanting affirmations to himself."
Simone: HAHAHAHAHAHA! I just read that out to him and he looked HORRIFIED and said "I think SO! That's why I don't like it!" The idea of people thinking that of him really freaked him out.
Me: I found some more Embassy Suites do not disturb signs:
Simone: Those are SO bad! I don't ever want to stay at the Embassy Suites now. I use to like them! I started reading them to Gregg and he was so horrified that he came over here to see it with his own eyes. I told him we should always have a marker on hand to cross these things out and maybe write something else and then he said he DID cross that out about the "me time"! He crossed it out and circled the "Do No Disturb" and the maid knocked anyway!
I'm also in love with this bit where Zach Galifianakis interviews Michael Cera.
Shari took pictures yesterday of Jose drawing a pumpkin on my orange underwears. He was in here for his afternoon nap and saw I had on orange knickers (it's okay, he's very very gay) and said he wanted to draw a Pumpkin of the Loom on them. You can see my back and how ghostly white it is and it looks like a white t-shirt, but no, that's my back skin.
Oh, and yesterday Carrie said the septic system at her work broke and also on the same day the Chicago version of Carrie, Jona, said HER septic system at work broke TOO! It's like they're each other's doppelgangers. They will meet one day. Oh yes they will.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
I guess Dave Matthews is back in town? I got this text from Carrie today.
Carrie: Dave Matthews just apologized to me for his daughters almost running over my toes with their bikes.
Me: Did you do a zany dance and play your air fiddle?
Carrie: Of course! And I said "it's ok, they didn't CRASH INTO ME."
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
This cracked me up, my friend Margaret posted this at her blog.
After getting some of my problems out of the way, I started talking with Doris. She is an incredibly cute Asian woman who I absolutely adore. I love her accent & her choice of words. She starts telling me about how stupid people are when it comes to traversing the new roundabout near her home. She told me about the time a rude man was in the wrong lane, but he thought she was in the wrong lane so he beeped at her & gave her the middle finger while her kids were in the car. But those were not her words. These were:People are all mad about the unretouched picture of Sarah Palin on the cover of Newsweek, you gots to see this.
"So he starts fingering me! I was like, 'Yeah buddy! I should be fingering YOU' Can you believe he starts beeping at me and fingering me? Fingering me while me kids are in the car!"
I not only have my secrets, I am my secrets. And you are your secrets. Our secrets are human secrets, and our trusting each other enough to share them with each other has much to do with the secret of what it is to be human. — Frederick Buechner
We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer. — Dietrich Bonhoeffer
It is important to tell our secrets too because … it makes it easier for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own, and exchanges like that have a lot to do with what being a family is all about and what being human is all about. — Frederick Buechner
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? — Kahlil Gibran
We wake, if ever we wake at all, to mystery, rumors of death, beauty, and violence. — Annie Dillard
Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. — Eileen Mayhew
We are healed of a suffering only by expressing it to the full. — Marcel Proust
I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. — Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
"I hate to bowl and it hurts my arm. Seriously I have heard this repeatedly from my coworkers: "What do you MEAN you're not going to bowl?? Carrie, you HAVE to bowl! It's going to be so fun! Bowl with us!!!!" Jesus. I just wanna go play video games."Me:
"I hate bowling TOO! It's NOT FUN at ALL! It hurts, just like volleyball does."Carrie:
"Bowling is a combo of so many awful things:
-awkward positioning of ass for all to see
-constant anticipation of upcoming turn
-slippery ill-fitting shoes
-assholes who have been good at these kinds of things all their lives delighting in your ineptitude
-pressure to do entertaining victory dances
-discomfort for the frail of arm, that strong-armed people do not understand or tolerate
-general existential angst
Good things about bowling:
-making up funny names for people on scoreboard
-fun neon lights
"I'm worried about you Stephanie. I love you and I'm worried. I think you are missing Jesus too. Please know that I'm a horrible disgusting person and I'm not saying you should do anything like me. I'm saying you have been placed on my heart and I love you dearly."
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Look at this article about McCain. Interesting, that.
And now for the cutest squirrel ever!!
Monday, October 6, 2008
That's the bridge we have to cross?
Port Gamble is like "The Village." It's so perfect it's creepy.
The weather was perfectly gray and fall-y and super windy, loved it.
My weird reading itenerary.
We went down in the bunkers at night. Very Blair Witch, super creepy and awesome.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Mom: Ooo, Ryan, I'm so charged up about Sarah Palin. I was so impressed by her speech.
Ryan: (audible gagging) URRH! Blech! I was afraid you'd say something like that. I think she's the devil. She'd make a terrible, TERRIBLE Vice President.
Mom: No she wouldn't. She's a Christian!
I don't know why I care so much about the election, I'll be glad when it's over. But in the meantime here is Katie Couric talking to Joe Biden and then Sarah Palin about Roe v. Wade.
Once this damn VP debate is over with I hope I'll stop posting dumb political video clips.
PS - this fake Sarah Palin facebook page is totally cracking me up!