ham of god
i've been reading too much pioneer woman, i take pictures of food i make
J put jelly beans in my coffee, no wonder it was so sweet
My counselor aka TheRapist talks about this notion to live in the tension and not brush everything into a more comfortable zone all the time, but to let myself feel what I'm sad about and scared of. It's kinda nuts but she says it's the only way to be fully human. I feel like I'm on heightened awareness the past three years since I've been seeing Mrs. TheRapist and even more so over Lent this year. It's almost like I have neurons again, or maybe I didn't ever even have them before, but I feel things strongly. I've always inferred that feeling so strongly isn't good, unless my emotion is happy joyful emotion, and even that isn't good if it's too intense, that feeling that people aren't invested if you aren't contained and palatable. It's easy for me to feel like a burden and my emotions feel like burdens. But in counseling they tell you the opposite and this season o' Lenten reflection made me feel it even more and my penance is the inconvenience of heightened emotions, good and bad ones. But I think it's such a waste to be numb. I laugh probably too much and I cry probably too much and I empathize which gets painful but what else are we here for, you know. I cried on the way to church yesterday thinking about the meaning of Easter and totally wept when Phil and Tori and their mom and JJ played Vivaldi's "Spring" in church, it's the most incredibly beautiful thing I'd ever heard and it was right there in front of me, and I was laughing at how I was trying to say "What are you talking about Willis?" as white and stuffy as I could to annoy David and I was laughing till I was in pain and he was too but not from laughing, and when my feelings are hurt I can crumble like a Cadbury Flake and on Sunday I cried with Tressa and Vanessa when we were having lady chat about being working moms and how so much is on your plate and balance is never achieved, but that right there is living in the tension. I'm so glad to have people who know about the tension and who are willing to step into it so I can see from them that doing it myself won't kill me. It will make things more complicated and it will make things more beautiful and I think that it's worth it, so okay. Now I'd like to hurry up and post a flippant youtube video or something to soften this heavy emotional entry here but maybe I should sit in the tension and realize that being serious every once in awhile isn't the worst thing in the world.