Monday, April 13, 2009


ham of god

i've been reading too much pioneer woman, i take pictures of food i make

J put jelly beans in my coffee, no wonder it was so sweet

My counselor aka TheRapist talks about this notion to live in the tension and not brush everything into a more comfortable zone all the time, but to let myself feel what I'm sad about and scared of. It's kinda nuts but she says it's the only way to be fully human. I feel like I'm on heightened awareness the past three years since I've been seeing Mrs. TheRapist and even more so over Lent this year. It's almost like I have neurons again, or maybe I didn't ever even have them before, but I feel things strongly. I've always inferred that feeling so strongly isn't good, unless my emotion is happy joyful emotion, and even that isn't good if it's too intense, that feeling that people aren't invested if you aren't contained and palatable. It's easy for me to feel like a burden and my emotions feel like burdens. But in counseling they tell you the opposite and this season o' Lenten reflection made me feel it even more and my penance is the inconvenience of heightened emotions, good and bad ones. But I think it's such a waste to be numb. I laugh probably too much and I cry probably too much and I empathize which gets painful but what else are we here for, you know. I cried on the way to church yesterday thinking about the meaning of Easter and totally wept when Phil and Tori and their mom and JJ played Vivaldi's "Spring" in church, it's the most incredibly beautiful thing I'd ever heard and it was right there in front of me, and I was laughing at how I was trying to say "What are you talking about Willis?" as white and stuffy as I could to annoy David and I was laughing till I was in pain and he was too but not from laughing, and when my feelings are hurt I can crumble like a Cadbury Flake and on Sunday I cried with Tressa and Vanessa when we were having lady chat about being working moms and how so much is on your plate and balance is never achieved, but that right there is living in the tension. I'm so glad to have people who know about the tension and who are willing to step into it so I can see from them that doing it myself won't kill me. It will make things more complicated and it will make things more beautiful and I think that it's worth it, so okay. Now I'd like to hurry up and post a flippant youtube video or something to soften this heavy emotional entry here but maybe I should sit in the tension and realize that being serious every once in awhile isn't the worst thing in the world.


gala said...

i very much relate to this... having spent a lifetime of bucking up. it's almost embarrassing, but such a relief, to be touched or mad or grouchy without cleaning things up as quickly as possible. and what a day, anyway, that day of extreme emotions joined with the antics of sugar-blasted kids :) i was a mess, too, in a good way.

Lauren said...

I do not love ham.

I do love your transparency and your heart and your many and varied feelings, and I love the way you can sometimes articulate just what I'm thinking.

the nibbling marmot said...

I'm practicing living in the hard stuff too, lately.
It's hard. I think all those years emphasizing the happy stuff is super damaging, and it's nice to read your thoughts on it, and to know that I'm not alone.

ShariMacD said...

I really identify with this. I feel overwhelmed and sad every day about orphans and how I want to bring two ore three more or a dozen or a hundred home to live with us, and how there are thousand of thousands of orphans in the world, and how I can't do anything about it. And I feel so heartbroken and overwhelmed, and I'm constantly trying to convince Craig that we should adopt again even though we can't afford it, and I feel incredibly sad -- because those kids want me, or somebody, and I want them, but it isn't possible. And I think, should I just stop thinking about this stuff, pretend it isn't happening in the world? Because then I'd feel so much happier. But I then I'd be less caring. Maybe just letting myself feel it and living in that tension is the answer. But its not an easy answer, that's for sure. xoxo

Jojoellen said...

wow, yep yep nodding my head, i so know what your talking about, feeling wahhh. Numbness is a waste of time. totaly. But how to sit in the feelings and feel and be present.. love that present word haha. and to do so healthly. I think your t and my t read the same books hahaha. oh wait same school of learning huh. lol. thanks for being so honest stephy your words help me so much, to be real and to be open and to allow myself to feel the feelings thats me thats human i am human. thanks for the reminder(s)

Amo said...

I love all your entries, Stephanie.

Rob said...

Thanks for leaving not one but two comments today on my blog.

Jojoellen said...

Is ham like turkey in that it puts you to sleep after you eat it? It must be, because I am sleepy sleepy and i have been eating ham and ham left overs since sunday lol

I found a cheap form of sleep medicine yeahhh! eat ham. haha that is if you like ham.

I like ham!

stephy said...

Haha! I don't know about ham putting you to sleep but if so that is a yummy way to do it. Ham & wine!

Jojoellen said...

ohh yeah i forgot the wine mmm.. a nice chardonay or a merlot for you?
ahhhh nice and smooth. :O)

Still Breathing said...

It took me a long time to post this but from the look of the top photo there is nothing wrong with your emotional reactions.

By the way I prefer cider with ham - particularly if you cook the ham in a slow cooker, studded with cloves, surrounded by onions and covered in a mix of 50% water/cider.