Great news! You were one of the grand prize winners in my joke-writing contest. Read the announcement for all the details. I will need your address in order to send you your prize. In addition, I will need your consent to continue using your joke on-stage, which I may or may not do.
Congratulations! You now have a wonderful resume item, should you choose to pursue a career in jokewriting. (Not recommended.)
Your $1 Funnyman,
Ladies and Gentlemen,
After sorting through LITERALLY THOUSANDS of submitted jokes, many of them quite poor, we have selected our winners, of the first annual Write A Joke For Neil Hamburger Contest.
Before I announce the winners, I would like to mention that this was a difficult decision. There were hundreds of terrible jokes, yes, but there were also dozens of quality jokes, that would put Jay Leno's writers to shame. In fact, there were several runner-ups whose jokes I feel, would be a great addition to my set, at least temporarily, and who I would like to extend a PRIZE to as well! Yes, that is correct, we will have MANY WINNERS in this rigged contest!
Using an old discarded Scientology E-METER found in a dumpster behind the Church of Scientology in Hollywood, we measured audience response to many of your jokes last Sunday at Los Angeles' Spaceland nightclub. Based on the documented great response to some (though not all) of these amateur jokewriting efforts, we feel that additional prizes should be awarded to more than just the top 3 entries. And thus, we are awarding 5 PRIZES (personally inscribed copies of the upcoming "Neil Hamburger Sings Country Winners" album) to the five amateur jokewriters.
Now for the winners. We will not give the punchlines away here in this bulletin...you'll have to attend one of my many shows and hope that you hear them there, in person! (Or, you'll have to harass the winners, who may or may not be willing to share their handiwork.)
GRAND PRIZE WINNERS:
Why was Martha Stewart so upset to be sentenced to 5 months in prison?
Why did the blonde have trouble driving at night?
Why did Britney Spears become so addicted to cocaine?
What does disgraced rapper Tupac Shakur have in common with Blockbuster film 'Oceans 13'?
Why did Heath Ledger call Mary Kate Olson as he lay dying?
Thank you to all who tried, and failed. Failure is something that I am very familiar with. I hope you are not despondent over this. It is very possible that as inspiration wanes, I may refer back to some of the runners-up, and offer them a prize for the use of their joke at one or more of my many shows. So do not give up hope.
Your $1 Funnyman,
Neil just put out a country album and when I saw the cover I started snorting from trying not to laugh at work, and pounded the desk just like an elderly person.
American Idol real quick: I like Carly the Irish chick. Probably just because she's Irish. Brooke the blonde guitar girl seems nice but her shiny glow of perfection is a little unnerving. I like Amanda the diesel dyke too, and Kady Malloy even though Simon is getting annoyed with her. Ramiele seems rad. The rest of the girls...meh. Robbie the long-haired ex-boy bander who needs to bring up his authenticity all the time...that guy is a little hard to deal with. Jason Yeager and David Cook of the contrived hair need giant wedgies. I loved the David who sang "Imagine." I can't believe I liked it but I did, I was moved! Danny Noriega is my favorite, he looks like Jessica Alba and you just know he wishes they'd let him perform in drag. Those are the only ones that stand out to me. What say you?
I am thinking of making my cubicle a little more interesting. I could get a welcome mat and stuff.