a letter from dr. phil

I love Dr. Phil. He is so hysterical and smug and his head is so matte! You just know they dust him down good with powder during commercial breaks and he has got to hate it. He's from the town in Texas where I got stuck for a few years and the stories they tell about him are solid gold. So imagine my delight (or don't) when I found this on McSweeneys.

EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU: A LETTER FROM DR. PHIL by Wendy Molyneaux

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Whether it's Martha Stewart telling us how to poach an egg or Dina Lohan telling us how to raise children, the best advice comes from famous people. That's why my groundbreaking self-help book, Everything Is Wrong With You: The Modern Woman's Guide to Self-Help Through Self-Loathing, includes letters written just for you, the reader, by certified famous people. And who better to start us off than the most famous man in daytime, Dr. Phil McGraw?

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Ladies, I Love You: A Letter From Dr. Phil.
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Dear Ladies,

Oh, hello. Don't mind me, I always smoke my pipe by the fire with no shirt on. Does that make you uncomfortable? Good.

Sometimes in life, we need to feel uncomfortable in order to change.

But you know what's not uncomfortable? Baby oil. Why don't you grab that bottle I've left out on my leather settee?

Do you like leather? I do. Pleather, leather, vinyl, mesh, I like it all. My wife, Robin, has a very nice leather evening gown that I bought her for the Daytime Emmys.

Where's Robin, you say? Ooooh, she's just having a little "special cellar time." It's important for couples to have separate activities. That's how we keep our marriage alive.

You seem tense. Why don't you have a little lie-down on that bear rug? Be careful. That bear is still alive. We became friends when he was a guest on my show during Bear Week.

Would you like some champagne? I drink mine from a bucket.

Well, I brought you here today to tell you that you are great. The only thing getting in the way of you having a great relationship is you!

There are so many great things about you. Your hair is shiny, your eyes are pretty, your hands are great for grabbing. You keep your apartment very clean.

How do I know that?

I've been living in your closet for six weeks. Don't worry. It's just part of my research for the show.

How have I survived in there? Lunchables and malt liquor.

Don't scream. You'll wake the bear. I just want you to know that you are a beautiful woman who deserves to have happiness in her life. That's why I've decorated the attic as a replica of your childhood bedroom just for you.

Don't bother trying the door.

I promise that I am going to be there for you forever. As long as you don't try to scream or run. Or talk. Or hum. Humming really bugs me. The last girl hummed.

Remember, only you can make you happy, so if you are unhappy in the attic, it's because of you.

Now, please go to your room. Entourage is starting.

Love you,

Dr. Phil McGraw