Wednesday, February 18, 2009

here's hopin'

The posting yesterday and today brought to the surface past memories of when people did bad things to me in the name of Jesus. That's kind of vague but I know a lot of people have been there. It just reminded me of being helpless and being lied to by people who said they were doing God's will. I'm pretty sure there is nothing worse than being harmed when you're helpless, and that most horrible thing I think is made even worse when you're being harmed by someone who says they are doing it in God's name. I battle feeling worthless every hour of the day. I got these sweet things today and want to put them here so I'll always have them.

"I got a little teary reading that. I have some emotions to get out, I guess. I haven't been part of a church since college because I hate having to try so hard to feel loved in God's house. You and I have discussed this. I'm just gun shy with religion and admire your drive to love deeper and make every village count."

"Stephy's so sweet and compassionate. I love that she fights the good fight. But I hate that doing so hurts her! I wish I could physically kick the asses of everyone who has ever made her cry...."

then David said this

"It's so hard being married to a sensitive prophet. She's like a little wind-up old testament David, stepping up to hurl stones at all of the Goliaths everyone else avoids. And then when the Goliaths bite back, she can fall to pieces. So my role is to 1. Warn her about the danger of the fight she is about to pick 2.Tend to her wounds when she gets hurt 3.Step into the very fights I wouldn't have started. 4.Rinse and repeat.

I told one of our counselors that it sometimes feels like Stephanie is a speedboat and I am a water skier behind the boat just trying to keep up.... so I'm trying to be in the boat more often and not fall out when she hits the gas.

If you are going to kisk the asses of everyone who has ever made her cry, unfortunately I'm first in line."

10 comments:

Straight from the Norse's Mouth said...

Steph.. I read your posts and my heart breaks for you, then it beams with joy as I read through the way you "hurl stones at all of the Goliaths". I think you are stronger than you are willing to let yourself be.. You are an amazing person, an amazing mom, an amazing wife (from what I have read that David has posted) and you are a lucky, lucky person to have the ability to let your feelings be known.. You just go balls out and I love that about you! Just wanted you to know that..

Anonymous said...

Stephanie. If only everyone I knew could know you too. You are fabulous and wonderful. xoxo -jen (kantor)

the nibbling marmot said...

The greyness can be really scary. I think you're brave.

ShariMacD said...

Sigh. I luuurve the Drurys.

Lauren said...

I think that you are great.

Hugh said...

Stephy, Keep fighting the giants but remember speedboats need to spend time in the harbour being checked over and re-fueled etc. I get the feeling that most of the giants we all should be fighting within the church are when we muddle our culture with our faith; in the UK we are still trying to get Victorian values out of the church - different to your giants but just as real. I also hate it when Old Testament law is added to Christianity. Jesus condensed the whole law into two things; Love God and Love your neighbour as yourself - if it doesn't fit into that it shouldn't be in church.

You are inspiring me to start a blog but about what I don't yet know.

David, from the little I read in this blog she can't be who she is without you.

God bless you both.

stephy said...

Hugh, thanks for all you've said. I would totally back you a 14 layer cake if you visited! I have wanted to be friends with every Brit I've ever met.

stephy said...

Uh, BAKE you a cake. Not back you one. I'm not THAT ugly of an American, I don't think.

Hugh said...

Stephy, You must have been very lucky with the Brits you've met. Unfortunately in my lifetime (I've just turned 55) I seen this country turn away from its Christian moral values only to find it didn't have an alternative. The result is a society based on self - worshipping the gods of money, possessions and sex. There are, of course, exceptions, but that is the general picture.

stephy said...

Hugh, yeah, maybe that's what I like about the Brits - no pretense. Might as well own it! I wish America would.