Wednesday, November 19, 2008

office hijinks

I found a stupid romance novel in the breakroom and I've been amusing myself by putting it in my grumpiest coworker's mailbox. I did that yesterday and this morning I found it in the trashcan! He threw it away! The nerve. So I wrote "PLEASE RETURN TO *his name*" on it and left in plain sight so hopefully someone else will give it to him. If it remains unreturned I might have to recruit someone.

So you know my friend Ryan? Ryan's emails make me laugh so hard I hack and wheeze in my chair and sometimes fall over. Just ask Shari! Here are some of his emails from the past few weeks that have made me cough and drool and convulse with laughter.

Entertaining Ryan email exhibit #1:
I used to post sign-up sheets in the break room for a staff movie outing to something stupid. Something like:

All staff movie outing to see Academy Award Winner, Hillary Swank in The Core. Please sign below if you are interested in going to the center of the Earth. [Then I would sign people's names.]

1. Adrian Jacobs
2. Matt Brians
3. Sally St. Johns Wart
Entertaining Ryan email exhibit #2:
Your stalker just handed you his contact information? That creeps me out more than his spilling the beans on his life. Buy some mace today. He might pop his head in your window and present your kids with more than contact information.
Entertaining Ryan email exhibit #3:
I went to the Halloween store to find a wig. It's such a depressing place with cheap, poorly-made clothes and stupid costume ideas. Plus, the one I went to had a special "fetish" section which housed all the sexy nurse and cat costumes, with what they called "improved sexy design". I think that's strange and when I see sexy nurse with improved sexy design I'm going to fart on her and give her my contact information. Hopefully that will teach her to buy cheap costume at the last minute.

Entertaining Ryan email exhibit #4:
(Ryan's letter he wrote to Always.)

Dear Always,

Your infinity pad came in the mail the other day and not a moment too soon! I excitedly tore into the package like a rabid badger, eager to try your latest product. I'm a huge fan of Always and don't trust anyone else when you-know-who comes to town.

When my live-in boyfriend overdosed, I was left to care for the step-children, which, as you can imagine, has been a real stresser in my life! As a result, my emotions have been up and down and my cycle right along with it. One minute it's whimsical and the next a plenitude of blood that could bring down an ape. I used to have to double, sometimes triple my panty protection fearing someone might point to an embarrassing blot on my pantsuit, exclaiming, "Ewwww, you're spotting on the ottoman!" I'm a hefty woman, I need a hefty pad.

The infinity pad has held up through and through, giving me peace of mind. Thank you Always. I have indeed, bought a ticket, put my period on a train and sent my heavy days packing once and for all!

Yours always,


Entertaining Ryan email exhibit #5:
I kinda want to work on the marketing team for some feminine or masculine or geriatric products. OOooo, what if I worked for Depends, adult diapers!! Wouldn't writing the copy be so fun? "Now you and your bowels are free! Depends. We've gotcha!" I have to think that someone at Always has a sense of humor. The "history" button on my work computer shows that I've been on a lot over the past few days. Did you see the infinity pad ads? Some had the pad made up like a bed and another had the pad standing on end with candles around it, like it's an altar or something. Makes me think that women take their periods very serious.

I'm happy you liked the letter. I was insecure that I wasn't striking the right tone. I don't really know all that much about ladies' boxes and the stuff in them. Did I tell you once at a bar with friends I said, "Okay, everyone has to draw a vagina. Then we'll see who's the most realistic." Mine looked like a tree with an big ear in the middle. Anyway, I'm happy you liked it and I won't punch myself and cry now.

Pads aside, has anyone ever put the "insertion" illustrations for a tampon on a shirt? I think they'd make great skater wear.

...just sayin'


Ryan is on the right, this is when he surprised me and came up for my 26th birthday. Has it been that long?!


Rye said...

Angel, you have touched me! I'm smiling, ear scar to ear scar. I've kept all of our love notes too!! It's the best part of my day!!!

Simone said...

Wow! So much more Ryan goodness you had not yet shared! I think my favourite was the thing about your stalker presenting your kids with more than his contact information. Oh boy! And also what he wanted to do the the improved sexy nurse. High times!

BTW, you look so cute in that picture. It's making me want to be white again. :(