Thursday, September 4, 2008
my past life
This morning I read this article. It's weird because I had dreams last night about when I was a conservative. It's because I watched Sarah Palin's speech. I wish it didn't make me so sad. I remember when I would have loved everything she was saying and I feel like then I was much more unaware (and quite blissfully so) of the impact of our legislation on the entire world. I didn't seek out what it really means to love and engage people, I just had my nose in the air and was happily distant from people who disagreed with me. It makes me feel sad that people are cheering her on, and it makes me feel sad that I ever would have cheered her on. It's all a journey though, I don't ever want to not be on a journey. I don't ever want to say "I'm not going to change my mind about that" again. That makes you kill off a part of yourself so that you can feel like you're infallible. God help me, God help us all, please help our nation, help me in this struggle with all this stuff in my daily life and how much I think about the bigger picture and help me know what not to care about. Maybe that's not what I mean actually - help me not to dismiss something or someone I care about just because it's too painful. I don't want to write off Republicans. I would be the biggest hypocrite if I did that because I used to be one of them. I am getting swept up in the notion that this election will be hugely deciding in the direction of the country. Who knows? Maybe in the end congress and the house will have override most of the president's decisions. And even if that happens, doesn't God say he's in control? I need grace towards myself and others and God please pour down mercy on all the people struggling with poverty and sickness and bad domestic situations all over the world. I can't get away from my thoughts of them, probably because at work that is what I deal with all day long. Then on the street you see people mistreating their kids, I see it almost every day. I think I'm too sensitive to even walk down the street. I need a thick skin, and yet having a thick skin will be the death of me because then I can more easily marginalize people. I'm so desperate for relationships with people who will like me unconditionally. So that's where I am with all of this today. I don't know how to end this post. I really want to see Vicky Cristina Barcelona. How's that for an ending?