Thursday, September 4, 2008

my past life

This morning I read this article. It's weird because I had dreams last night about when I was a conservative. It's because I watched Sarah Palin's speech. I wish it didn't make me so sad. I remember when I would have loved everything she was saying and I feel like then I was much more unaware (and quite blissfully so) of the impact of our legislation on the entire world. I didn't seek out what it really means to love and engage people, I just had my nose in the air and was happily distant from people who disagreed with me. It makes me feel sad that people are cheering her on, and it makes me feel sad that I ever would have cheered her on. It's all a journey though, I don't ever want to not be on a journey. I don't ever want to say "I'm not going to change my mind about that" again. That makes you kill off a part of yourself so that you can feel like you're infallible. God help me, God help us all, please help our nation, help me in this struggle with all this stuff in my daily life and how much I think about the bigger picture and help me know what not to care about. Maybe that's not what I mean actually - help me not to dismiss something or someone I care about just because it's too painful. I don't want to write off Republicans. I would be the biggest hypocrite if I did that because I used to be one of them. I am getting swept up in the notion that this election will be hugely deciding in the direction of the country. Who knows? Maybe in the end congress and the house will have override most of the president's decisions. And even if that happens, doesn't God say he's in control? I need grace towards myself and others and God please pour down mercy on all the people struggling with poverty and sickness and bad domestic situations all over the world. I can't get away from my thoughts of them, probably because at work that is what I deal with all day long. Then on the street you see people mistreating their kids, I see it almost every day. I think I'm too sensitive to even walk down the street. I need a thick skin, and yet having a thick skin will be the death of me because then I can more easily marginalize people. I'm so desperate for relationships with people who will like me unconditionally. So that's where I am with all of this today. I don't know how to end this post. I really want to see Vicky Cristina Barcelona. How's that for an ending?

12 comments:

Robb said...

These are good words. I am in a very similar place in my life.

Simone said...

I'm with you. As much as I can't ever imagine voting Republican, I am adament not to rule it out. Just as much as I hope Republicans will wake up to the bad policies on offer, I must also be able to do the same if there is a bad Democrat in the house.

As for whether or not God is in control, that opens another whole can of worms! There will be 50 odd million prayers unanswered in 60 days. Make of it what you will.

stephy said...

I bet you know what the answer is to the unanswered prayers statistic. "God answers all the prayers, just not always in the way we want him to." teehee

angela aka mrs. maverick said...

stephy, as you journey, i will pray for you.

i wanted to e-mail you to tell you that the only reason why i numbered my responses was because your blog had numbered items and i thought it'd be kinda cute. oh well, guess it wasn't.

stephy said...

thanks angela for prayers, i need all i can get! it was cute to number them, don't be silly. :)

Simone said...

Oh, I hadn't heard THAT before. Is that like, if I pray for Obama to win and he loses, my prayer is answered in that he's a winner because of the strength of character he gains from his loss?

B-O-L-L-O-C-K-S

I'll spare you the logic as to why prayers technically cannot be answered by an omniscient God. :D Actually, I wont really because I've already written most of it up as a one-day-to-be-published blog. Muahahahahaha.... and so on as I descend into hell.

stephy said...

No you're right, it's not logical at all. That's where the faith part comes in. It's a struggle, I tell you! Thanks for hanging in with me even though I wrestle with illogic cause I know you love you some logic Simone (and I do too. Hence the struggle). I ruv you so much. xo

angela aka mrs. maverick said...

ok, it was cute then :o) and too late for me not to be silly- it's part of my youth serum which i take in mega doses.

y'know stephy, i struggle with faith too, at times as i'm sure all believers do. perhaps, some more than others, or at least what they'll own up to. and talk about being a person who loves logic- how about that coupled with being analytical? is it the same thing?

Simone said...

If I may interject, Angela, your question has me thinking. Can one be analytical without being logical? They seem to go hand in hand for me, however, there is an element of self delusion that everyone struggles with so one might think be analysing something, but only withing their own limits or boundaries of judgment, so I think it is possible to be analytical without being logical. Though again, there could be different standards for logic. It may be illogical for someone to rule out that God exists, so their logic is different to mine. I could go on and on but I'll stop...NOW.

Simone said...

Oh, and Stephy, I ruv you too! Oink! xoxo

the nibbling marmot said...

Stephy,
I like what you said about never wanting to not be on a journey. To embark upon that kind of commitment takes a lot of courage, and that's never easy.
Kudos,
Beth

Snap to it! Sanp in time! said...

*downward whistle slide* This is some thread. I empathize with your struggle. I am a dyed-in-the-wool yellow dog Democrat (will vote for a yellow dog before ANY Republican), and I stand on a ground that until the right-wing divests itself of moralizing-as-politics, I have no choice but to (yet willingly) marry the Democratic party. True conservatism, something I want nothing to do with, was abandoned right about when Reagan was sworn in with his Father-knows-best and Just-say-no hyphenizing. It's been finger-wagging ever since. So I proudly stand as a straight (ahem)-ticket voter, but bow in honor that you remember how toxic steeling oneself to a political stance can be.