fun with ryan

Emailing with Carrie & Simone is one of the best things about going to work so when they're not at their work computers to entertain me I get sad, and today they both weren't in the office. Carrie had to run three-legged sack races with her coworkers for Office Comraderie Day and Simone is in Vegas but by a magical stroke of luck, today Ryan was actually returning my emails and he made me snort and wheeze from laughing. Here are some highlights.

Ryan writes:

"My church had a Christian drama troupe come several times while I was in youth group. There was a narrator with suspenders that could freeze time, allowing him to jump in and out of the narrative to give us a moral lesson. You'd see two kids (played by adults) being offered marijuana and arguing that, '...only doing it once couldn't hurt you.' The narrator would snap his suspenders signaling the actors to freeze. Then he'd step out of the the fourth wall (theatre term) and say, 'Now, do you guys think that Allison and Jeremy know agape love? Are they making smart choices with godly hearts?'

"Jon [Ryan's boyfriend] was in a Christian Youth Conference in Michigan where they performed Christ's Crucifixion. Yes, Jonathan was Christ and I have a picture of him, bloody and nailed to a cross in an auditorium filled with children. Nothing creepy there. I'll have to find that picture of Jonathan hanging on the cross, smattered in blood. I asked, 'You did this for kids?!' 'Twice a day,' he told me.

I told him about the Bristol Stool Scale. He said:

"That's amazing! Maybe I could use that chart for my IBS poo journal! I need someway of describing the poos. I was categorizing them like:

Proud Poo -- Firm, healthy and long
Polynesian -- Poo nuggets floating about
Oil slick -- Diarrhea without much fibrous material
Boggy -- Diarrhea with a lot of fibrous material
Clay Aiken -- Clay-like poo that you really have to work to get out.

I was at the library yesterday and I saw a Clay Aiken book. I never knew he was so religious. One day, that may conflict with his faggotry.

Anyway, now I have a real chart to work from."

Talking about being Sarah Palin for Halloween:

"When my sister got her teaching credintial she went to all these teacher supply stores. I never knew they existed! They were full of fancy borders for your buliten boards, large punch-out letters, pencils, stationary, etc. They also had a slew of dolls; ethnic dolls as well as "special dolls". The special dolls, purpose, I assume, was like that of the ethnic dolls--to teach kids that all people are equal enough to have a toy in their likeness. Who are they kidding? Anyway, there are downy dolls on the market. Visit Down Syndrome Dolls.You can carry a doll and a rifle. You'll make a great Vice President."