I want to write about my therapy session this morning but as therapy is wont to do it made me think about why I proffer so much of myself when I'm so fragile. I think it's because I didn't used to be this fragile until said therapy, and now I'm becoming more aware of my sarcastic shell that kept me safe or at least made things not hurt as much (because then I could put the bad feelings back on the people who hurt mine or, even better!, beat them to the punch). Doing that protected me when I was younger but now I want to be more aware of why I do what I do and what's underneath it and as a result I'm super vulnerable. I've never been this way before. I was talking to my therapist today about what triggers these responses in me and I'm realizing that I have some serious problems with men who are abrasive, peremptory, dismissive of people's feelings (especially when they rationalize away emotions because emotions are not logical), and most especially when a man does these things in the name of God. I have an extremely strong emotional response to it. It hurts me somewhere in my heart like a physical pain and I collapse. I break just like a little girl, I guess. I'm doing a lot of work to figure out where this stems from, and part of the process is heightened sensitivity. When people tell me not to be sad that makes me sadder, because I'm doing a lot of work to get my sadness back. It was shut off for so long and I was more numb. Now I can be happier because I can be sadder. Weird how that works.
Maybe that's all I better write about therapy today.
I really love this Steve Martin MJ tribute.