Wednesday, July 8, 2009

i'd like to know where jeff tweedy lives that he can spend just $3.63 on diet coca-cola and unlit cigarettes

I want to write about my therapy session this morning but as therapy is wont to do it made me think about why I proffer so much of myself when I'm so fragile. I think it's because I didn't used to be this fragile until said therapy, and now I'm becoming more aware of my sarcastic shell that kept me safe or at least made things not hurt as much (because then I could put the bad feelings back on the people who hurt mine or, even better!, beat them to the punch). Doing that protected me when I was younger but now I want to be more aware of why I do what I do and what's underneath it and as a result I'm super vulnerable. I've never been this way before. I was talking to my therapist today about what triggers these responses in me and I'm realizing that I have some serious problems with men who are abrasive, peremptory, dismissive of people's feelings (especially when they rationalize away emotions because emotions are not logical), and most especially when a man does these things in the name of God. I have an extremely strong emotional response to it. It hurts me somewhere in my heart like a physical pain and I collapse. I break just like a little girl, I guess. I'm doing a lot of work to figure out where this stems from, and part of the process is heightened sensitivity. When people tell me not to be sad that makes me sadder, because I'm doing a lot of work to get my sadness back. It was shut off for so long and I was more numb. Now I can be happier because I can be sadder. Weird how that works.

Maybe that's all I better write about therapy today.

I really love this Steve Martin MJ tribute.

7 comments:

Rye said...

Be sad. I think you're inspiring and amazing!

stephy said...

Aww thanks Ryan! You made me cry! Damn sensitivity training.

Lauren said...

I love how honest you can be about this stuff, Stephy. Really.

I just got myself a copy of "The Highly Sensitive Person" from the library...

Simone said...

Being sadder to make yourself happier makes sense to me. I've always felt I'm able to feel higher highs than most because I can feel the lower lows. It's all that "there's no up without down, good without evil" etc etc. Without the sadness you're just in the middle or getting an ulcer from all those repressed feelings.

Thanks so much for all you've shared from your therapy. It's helped me a lot too! Seriously! Do I owe some money?

*hands out $5*

*pulls it back*

Just kidding!

But really, you're a treasure and a great help to me. *heart*

stephy said...

Sniff! You guys! You're so nice and are making me emotional all over again. I really should start calling therapy Sensitivity Training. At least it isn't court-ordered.

Jojoellen said...

yeah but if it was court ordered would it be paid for hmmmm.. ok ok just kidding. i am with you on the sadness allowed or felt also brings along goodness, lots of it. its way good and scarey all in one You are awesome stephy keep writing and sharing and all.

Still Breathing said...

I understand about the protective shell - God is still peeling mine away so I can be truely human.