Friday, August 31, 2007

little boxes

I've been excited all day about finishing watching the 2nd season of Weeds tonight and I'm sitting here trying to work and instead creeping stealthily onto the internet to google things pertaining to Weeds, for instance, the song was written by a hippie (well that much should be obvious) and it's about suburbs outside San Francisco (well I'll be doggone) and here are the suburbs filled with little boxes. I like these houses though. They're radtastic. My dream house is the Brady Bunch house.

Gee, the new Iowa ruling allowing same-sex marriage really makes me nervous because I feel it threatens my hetero marriage to David. They're trying to creep in and destroy our holy matrimony! JUST KIDDING

Thursday, August 30, 2007

more hammerhead theater

HH: Hey, did you get the email that I sent you? The one that had a poem about a guardian angel watching over you?
Me: [through clenched teeth] Yes. Thank you.
HH: I love those poems. Whenever someone forwards them to me I print them out. I have stacks and stacks of them!

Boss: I’m going to get a pedicure tomorrow.
[Everyone oohs and ahhs in a congratulatory brown-nosing fashion.]
HH: Well, once I went to get a pedicure and the lady refused to touch my feet because of my snaggletoe! And on my left foot the bones stick out!
[Conversation stops short.]

Two doctors just came into the office looking for one of the managers.
Doctors: Where is Cheryl?
Doctors: Uh, Cheryl? Is she here?
HH: OH! CHERYL! Well…I don’t know. I don’t think so. No, probably not. Well, I don’t really know. She worked yesterday but I’m not real sure about her schedule –
Doctors: [cutting her off] Well, can we leave a message for her?
[HH hands them a notepad decorated with wolves.]
HH: I just LOVE wolves! Look at my calendar! It has wolves on every page. I just love their eyes. That’s what gets me about them. My kids got me a wolf bath towel for Christmas. And also a wolf throw pillow. And a wolf cup.
Doctors: Okay, thank you for your time. [They edge towards the door.]
HH: And they said they wanted to get me a wolf shower curtain! And I have lots of wolf figurines.
Doctors: Okay, thanks for your help. [They are in the hall by now.]
HH: [shouting into the hall] And I got a little wolf doll from the gift shop and when you squeeze him he goes “Arooooo!”

HH: We’re getting a family portrait done on Sunday.
New Lady: Are you going to get your hair done?
HH: NO. I don’t do that! I do NOT get my hair done!
NL: Oh.
HH: Well, I might go to my friend’s house and have her perm the back.
Me: Just the back? [visions of mullets dance in my head]
NL: What are you going to wear?
HH: Clothes.
NL: Well, I KNOW. What kind of clothes? Aren’t you all going to get coordinated?
HH: No. I’m just worried about what my son’s going to wear. He’ll probably show up in his mover’s uniform.

Boss: Stephanie, do you want to go to a conference next week?
Me: Do I have to?
HH: Why does everyone get to go to conferences except me? I’m starting to feel LEFT OUT.
Boss: We’ll find a conference for you to go to.
Boss: We’ll know it when we see it.
HH: You’ve been saying that forever!
Me: They’re not all that great.

HH on phone: How many people have you got working over there, anyway? 500? There can’t be that many! You have transferred me so many times that I’m beginning to think you’re running a racket over there. What I want is to hang up and for you to call me to see if the call comes through. Yes. I’m very concerned about my cell phone because the date and the time disappear and all it says is “Verizon.” I don’t care about the word Verizon, I need to know the date and time! Not that my phone is Verizon! I KNOW my phone is Verizon! All right, all right, listen here. I’m going to hang up and you’re going to call me so I can PROVE to you that my phone isn’t working. YES, I RECHARGED IT!! JESUS CHRIST!!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

lippity lippity not very fast

I missed the lunar eclipse last night and that makes me sad. It was supposed to be peaking at 4 am or so and I was even up at 4 am cause Judah was up for some reason but I didn’t think to look at the beautiful moon! I’m still sad.

Then I didn’t hear my alarm at 5:30 (yes, FIVE THIRTY) and even though David tried to wake me up I didn’t really wake up till two minutes before I had to leave for work. I shambled outside with ginormous sleep marks on my face from the nubby blanket that was wrapped around my head from my fitful dreams of Mick Jagger. Age 25 Mick Jagger, not current day Mick Jagger. Britney Spears was also in my dream, and it was five years ago Britney not the Britney of today. I don’t remember what happened in my dream but it must have been disturbing because I had the blanket tangled all the way around my head. What the hell.

We were watching Disturbia the other night and it was probably one of the better heckling sessions I’ve been part of, I wish there was a transcript. Carrie is fantastic at heckling the tv. But nobody else felt that the killer guy chasing rabbits in his garden was reminiscint of Peter Rabbit, like I did. I think I’m obsessed with Peter Rabbit, I read it to the kids almost every night. My favorite line is ‘Also he was very damp with sitting in that can.’ Then the next line is ‘After a time he began to wander about, going lippity-- lippity-- not very fast and looking all around.’ It's sweet, you can just see the scared curious rabbit lippity-ing not very fast. After Disturbia we watched this blaxploitation movie called Sweet Sweetback’s Badasssss Song which was strange and fascinating, and not very well lit. Then we watched the newest Wolphin dvd which is my favorite, I love when there’s a new Wolphin but I couldn’t stay awake for all of it.

Like you’re probably not able to stay awake to read my blathering. Sorry! Thanks for participating in my catharsis.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

creamy british celebrity flavoured

There’s this loose tea at Whole Foods called “Creamy British Celebrity Flavoured with Bergamot.” …at least I think it was tea, there was no noun to qualify those adjectives except for ‘celebrity.’

So because of vexation in the workplace and steadily increasing malevolence towards the Man, David and I have decided that we’re going to open a crepe shop called Date Crepe. Or Gang Crepe, or Crepe Fantasy. Which one should it be? We’ll give out samples called Crepe Trials, and kids meals will be called Statuatory Crepes. And our employees will be called Serial Crepists (Simone came up with that one). I bet we’ll get lots of free publicity. Once we were assigned a French exchange student (Valentin!) that we were supposed to show around Seattle but the whole semester he was here we only hung out with him twice, the first time we took him to see the Exorcist at the Cinerama and the other time we made him make us crepes. I feel bad about that now.

Sometimes I do things like look up Hall and Oates on Wikipedia and I found this bit that I love!
Daryl Hall and John Oates were there for a band competition when gunfire rang out between two rival gangs, and in trying to escape, they ran to the same service elevator. Because of their similar musical tastes, they quickly became acquainted. It would take them another two years to form a musical duo, and three years after that they had signed to Atlantic Records and released their debut.

Band competition + rival gangs + gunfire = Hall and Oates!

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John the Oates looks exactly like Inigo Montoya.

Monday, August 20, 2007

clever title here

I got a talking-to at work on Friday because I suck and then I cried in the boss's office. I don't like crying in the boss's office. He felt bad and kept saying "don't cry, you're a nice person" and I was like "but being a nice person isn't enough, duh." Whenever I tell someone what I do they say "that doesn't sound like you" but I've managed to bumble through the workplace for nine years now because I don't like feeling like I'm sitting around doing nothing but I also don't like being scolded for sucking at work. While I was trying not to cry I was concentrating on boss's Cartman and Kenny action figures on his desk and willing them to watch over me. But I cried anyway.

At least boss is nice. He gave me a hug and then sent me this email and said "You're smart and not only do I have confidence in you I'll help you." Since that surprises me maybe deep down I don't think I'm smart or competent. But I know I'm good at dicking around on the internet. I wish I could capitalize on that somehow, that and sleeping.

Maybe I should send my Hammerhead manuscripts to a publisher and be a stay-at-home mom and get a Sensible Haircut and wear mom jeans.

Friday, August 17, 2007

mares eat oats

I hate being at the mercy of inanimate objects. I'm sitting here looking at my new phone and willing the screen to say my account has been activated and I’m going crazy.

I’m worried about our Peruvian housekeeper because just last week she left to visit Peru and then the earthquake happened. I can’t get ahold of her and I’m really worried. Who will clean our house now?? Just kidding, geez.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


I've been thinking about my old friend Jason. We were good friends back in the day and now I can't seem to get ahold of him so in his memory I thought I'd post this blog thing I wrote last year.

(original air date 6-22-06)

Last night I talked to Jason in Dallas. We had a bond in college because we were the only two people from Wichita Falls who went to Texas State, so we’d make the six-hour drives together and I eschewed his country music and he hated Helmet and Primus (what I was into at the time) but we got on famously and he’s very dear to me. When I was especially aimless and bereft after graduating I even thought I had a tiny crush on him but then decided he was gay and ever since have waited for him to come out of the proverbial closet. That was all ten years ago and last night I called him. The first thing he said was “Hey girl!” (Sounding very gay.) I said “I haven’t talked to you in a year and was just thinking about you, what are you up to?” He said “Oh…some big life changes. Very big.” (I knew it! Gay! He’s going to come out to me!) I said “Are you dating anyone?” Him “Nope, nope.” Me: "What happened to Jill?" Him: “She dumped me.” (Cause she knew he was GAY!) Me: “Are you still working at the same place?” Him: “No, I have a new job, I’m selling real estate.” (That is the gayest job. This conversation is getting gayer all the time.) Me: “Wow, well, what else is a big life change?” (Here we go!) Him: “Well…I’m g-“ (and my heart seriously lurched, I so thought he was going to say gay) “…going to Fire Island next week with a bunch of buddies.” (Fire Island!! He might as well have said he was big old homo!) Me: “Wow! Are you going for Pride Week?” Him: “What’s that?” Me: “You know, gay pride, the festival stuff is this weekend.” Him: “What?! Ew! I’ve never heard of that! How do you even know about that?”

Sigh…he’s still in the closet.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

more hammerhead stories

Lara just sent me these old Hammerhead Theaters that I wrote five years ago. I wish I knew what became of Hammerhead, I kind of miss the old bat.



Anne the British nurse: Hammerhead, we can talk without shouting. Do you understand this? We can discuss without shouting. People may be walking by in the hall.

HH: Yes, but I'm just VERY ADAMANT about my country!

Anne: Do you understand what I'm saying, though?

HH: I don't think i'm shouting though. We just shouldn't allow ANYONE from other countries over here. It's not right.

Me: Anne's a foreigner.

HH: Yes, but Anne can speak English!


Hammerhead: Lott's was having a car sale so I went on down there and got me a 2002 Chevy Tahoe pickup truck!

Me: Wow, a brand new one?

HH: Yup! But after I drove it home they called me and said that the financing didn't go through that that I would have to bring the truck back. And I told them, "You won't be getting your truck back, you'll be hearing from my lawyers!"


After months of radio silence from Hammerhead, I encountered her last night. I went into work super late and she was there doing her night shift.

Me: Did you have a good birthday?

HH: Yeah, my daughter took me to the Drift On Inn for breakfast and she bought me some Mount St. Helen's ash earrings! They're made out of the ash from Mount St. Helen's! Then we went to the Cheesecake Factory and I picked out four flavors of cheesecake I wanted, but my daughter said she was only buying me one. It's okay though, because I stole a menu and now I can check off which flavors I've tried.


Last night I stopped by work and Hammerhead was there, brewing coffee on her

Me: When did you get a coffee maker in here?

HH: A long time ago! Where have you been? I drink a whole pot every night. And look in here...(she opens an overhead cabinet)...I got a full-size microwave too! Except the management said that I can't use it because they don't want cooking going on in the office. And I said, "It's not cooking, it's REHEATING!"

Me: (taking note of a fountain on her desk that runs water through it) When did you get that fountain?

HH: Oh, I just love it! It relaxes me. Well, it also makes me have to pee, especially since I drink a pot of coffee each night. I'm telling you, since I had my hysterectomy, I can't hold number one OR two!

Me: Oh my.

HH: Well, I only had a partial hysterectomy - they took my uteruses [sic] and my cervix out. And ever since then I can't hold nothin'. So when I feel the urge, I gotta RUN! Because more than once it's gone past the point of no return, if you know what I mean!


Today HH is wearing a knee-length blue skirt made out of t-shirt material, with a white satin slip with lace edging hanging way below it. She has on socks and tennis shoes with no stockings, leaving her bumpy, veiny legs to flap in the breeze, and an orange t-shirt that said I LOVE MY ATTITUDE PROBLEM.

She and Hammerhead Jr. were discussing their new favorite show, "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here."

HH Jr: I just love that Downtown Julie Brown. You'd think she'd be a wimp because she has a British accent, but she completes all her missions!

HH: And Melissa Rivers wore a diaper full of maggots!

HH Jr: Yeah! She groused about it, but she got the job done!


Hammerhead: I'm exhausted. I just got back from our union meeting in San Francisco.

Me: How was your trip?

HH: It woulda been a lot better if they had told me not to lock the locks on my luggage. Security ended up breaking all of them! I found this out when I got off the plane in San Fran. So I marched over to the counter and said "If you don't want the whole airport to hear me yelling, you'd better take me someplace private." So they took me in a little room and I explained to them that one of the locks had been my mother's and it was PURELY ORNAMENTAL. And it was missing! Then I found it later in my bag. Whew.



Hammerhead: Did you hear about the big wreck on I-5 last night? Well, my daughter was in the middle of it.

Me: OH MY GOD! Is she okay?

HH: Yes, she's fine. She's real heavy. She's got a lot of padding. They got in the wreck cause they'd been drinking. And I asked "Did you have your seatbelts on?" and she said "We did by the time the cops showed up."


HH: I was supposed to be out of the office an hour ago but I GOTTA FIND THIS DOCUMENT ON SHARON'S COMPUTER!

Me: Actually, you don't need to fill out that document - I just send an email. It's a lot faster and easier that way.

HH: But I NEED the document! And I gotta pee so bad but I GOTTA find it.

Me: Why do you feel like you need to find it?


Me (talking out loud to no one in particular): Crap, I can't find the code for this diagnosis.

Hammerhead: What's the diagnosis?

Me (wondering if I should even bring this up with HH): Um, black stool.

HH: Maybe he ate a bunch of spinach and artichoke hearts. That always makes
MY stool black.


Saturday, August 11, 2007

chicago pictures

Blueberry frappuccinos as a pre-airplane festivity
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Seattle from the air
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He got ahold of the camera
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Holding Isabel for the first time
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Bob Ferris wheel on Navy Pier
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Waiting anxiously for the ride to start
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Riding Bob Ferris Wheel
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My sister, her new baby girl, and proud cousin
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Watching the Cubs-Mets game wearing his Ichiro jersey and his Cubs hat
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My brother and my son at Wrigley Field together…aww
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John correctly guessed that I would be delighted by this picture of a Mexican in a hot dog costume
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After I took this I realized it looked sort of like the Yankee Hotel Foxtrot cover.
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Yup, kind of.
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According to legend, this is the bridge where Dave Matthews unleashed the tour bus septic tank onto a passenger boat. (And also I like the sun behind the clouds)
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Civic opera bvilding
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the Sears tower, yo
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She’s the duchess
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Me and my wonderful brother-in-law Tom. He is not unlike Hank Hill
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See Hank:
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It was a great time but before I fly with a two year old again I will fucking blow my brains out.

Monday, August 6, 2007


This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:
kill (x 2)
crap (x 1)
weiner (x 12)
gay (x 42)
scheize (x 2)
bell-end (x 1)

I like Chicago but I'd like it more if I weren't wandering around in a PMS-induced haze, all you SONS OF BITCHES!! Just kidding...

Wednesday, August 1, 2007


Packing sucks! It makes me want to rip my face off and procrastinate on the interweb.

I just watched this Donnie Darko-y video three times in a row. It looks like they shot it all in one take. I don’t know what the official term for that is, but it doesn’t look easy.

Speaking of Bat for Lashes, I saw a picture of these feather eyelashes by MAC and they freaked me out. If I was talking to someone with those on their face I’d only be thinking about getting some scissors and snipping them off. I love fake eyelashes but these are from the devil.

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Whenever I flip past the Family Guy I wonder why I don’t watch it more often. I think I need to pack more tv-watching into my busy schedule. My tv is on all the time and I think it makes me a better, smarter person. Debatable I realize, but I am not up for discussing it right this minute.