more hammerhead theater

HH: Hey, did you get the email that I sent you? The one that had a poem about a guardian angel watching over you?
Me: [through clenched teeth] Yes. Thank you.
HH: I love those poems. Whenever someone forwards them to me I print them out. I have stacks and stacks of them!

Boss: I’m going to get a pedicure tomorrow.
[Everyone oohs and ahhs in a congratulatory brown-nosing fashion.]
HH: Well, once I went to get a pedicure and the lady refused to touch my feet because of my snaggletoe! And on my left foot the bones stick out!
[Conversation stops short.]

Two doctors just came into the office looking for one of the managers.
Doctors: Where is Cheryl?
HH: WHAT?
Doctors: Uh, Cheryl? Is she here?
HH: OH! CHERYL! Well…I don’t know. I don’t think so. No, probably not. Well, I don’t really know. She worked yesterday but I’m not real sure about her schedule –
Doctors: [cutting her off] Well, can we leave a message for her?
[HH hands them a notepad decorated with wolves.]
HH: I just LOVE wolves! Look at my calendar! It has wolves on every page. I just love their eyes. That’s what gets me about them. My kids got me a wolf bath towel for Christmas. And also a wolf throw pillow. And a wolf cup.
Doctors: Okay, thank you for your time. [They edge towards the door.]
HH: And they said they wanted to get me a wolf shower curtain! And I have lots of wolf figurines.
Doctors: Okay, thanks for your help. [They are in the hall by now.]
HH: [shouting into the hall] And I got a little wolf doll from the gift shop and when you squeeze him he goes “Arooooo!”

HH: We’re getting a family portrait done on Sunday.
New Lady: Are you going to get your hair done?
HH: NO. I don’t do that! I do NOT get my hair done!
NL: Oh.
HH: Well, I might go to my friend’s house and have her perm the back.
Me: Just the back? [visions of mullets dance in my head]
NL: What are you going to wear?
HH: Clothes.
NL: Well, I KNOW. What kind of clothes? Aren’t you all going to get coordinated?
HH: No. I’m just worried about what my son’s going to wear. He’ll probably show up in his mover’s uniform.

Boss: Stephanie, do you want to go to a conference next week?
Me: Do I have to?
HH: Why does everyone get to go to conferences except me? I’m starting to feel LEFT OUT.
Boss: We’ll find a conference for you to go to.
HH: WHEN?
Boss: We’ll know it when we see it.
HH: You’ve been saying that forever!
Me: They’re not all that great.
HH: YOU JUST TAKE THEM FOR GRANTED!

HH on phone: How many people have you got working over there, anyway? 500? There can’t be that many! You have transferred me so many times that I’m beginning to think you’re running a racket over there. What I want is to hang up and for you to call me to see if the call comes through. Yes. I’m very concerned about my cell phone because the date and the time disappear and all it says is “Verizon.” I don’t care about the word Verizon, I need to know the date and time! Not that my phone is Verizon! I KNOW my phone is Verizon! All right, all right, listen here. I’m going to hang up and you’re going to call me so I can PROVE to you that my phone isn’t working. YES, I RECHARGED IT!! JESUS CHRIST!!