if i did it

"I am trying to get my life reasonable. I'm not going to ever be happy. Happiness isn't on, because happiness is temporary. Unhappiness is temporary. Ecstasy is temporary. Orgasm is temporary. Everything is temporary. But being reasonable is an approach. And being reasonable with yourself, it's very difficult, very difficult to be reasonable." – Phil Spector

I’m trying to be reasonable and find balance…who isn’t. But I’ve been really super trying. I’ve been really trying with my brother and sister to get our relationship healthy, not that it ever seemed that bad. We would have said we were close but I started to realize that we really weren’t and so a year or two ago I apologized to them for being a bad sister when we were growing up. When we were younger we weren’t at each other’s throats or anything but I was definitely a bitch a lot of the time. My sister seemed skeptical when I apologized to her but slowly things have gotten even better between us since then and that makes me happy. I’ve been frustrated recently because I feel like I’m the only one who every apologizes to her when I do something bad or unkind or just not nice, but when you apologize to someone you can’t expect the same thing from them. I think that betrays the purpose of giving an apology - you have to be sorry no matter what they feel. You can’t demand respect or an apology and get an authentic version of either. So anyway, the other day my sister called and apologized for something she’d done that had hurt my feelers and I was so touched and I felt like something groundbreaking had happened in our relationship, like we’re starting to have each other’s back now, truly. This is good, this is big.