that's where you and i differ

David Letterman is my boyfriend. Look what he does to Paris Hilton, it just doesn't get any better.

chunnel

There was so much fog this morning you couldn’t see the tops of the buildings or the Space Needle and I love that. The heat came on at work for the first time with the smell of dust burning which is my absolute favorite and I had A Moment. That smell means flannel sheets and crunchy leaves. These are a few of my favorite things, when the dong bites. When the pee stings. When I’m feeling nads. I simply remember my favorite things and then I don’t feel ho bag.

Sorry, I don’t know where that came from. Here is a little sweetie pie.



Here is some fall-ness in our living room. Judah picked out the “scary black bird” (fake, mind you).



This is my idea of a really good night. Give me and books and magazines and remote controls and I’m happy as a dead pig in the sunshine.

I love this couch so much. I would make out with it if it acted halfway interested.

cashmere opportunities

Shane has things to say about fall too. He says-

I like:

A cold nose.
A warm coat
Cashmere opportunities.
An excuse to bust out the flannel sheets.
The sound and smell the heater makes when it first comes on in the morning
Cold leather seats that soon heat up with glamour
Wet leaves on everyone else's lawn (but not mine, please)
Halloween

You know, say what you will about Ahmadinejad, but that suit he was wearing was pretty rad.

discovery park

Yesterday we went out to Discovery Park with Shane and his kids. We drove down to the lighthouse and sat on the sand surrounded by water facing the mountains and the kids threw rocks into the water and built a house with driftwood.



I’m so stoked fall is here. Melissa is a freak for fall too and we made a list like nerds about what we love about fall:

I say:

Big fat sweaters
Sunny cold afternoons
Wellington boots and tights
Pumpkin spice lattes
The McIntosh Yankee Candle (smells exactly like a bunch of apples)
Going to the corn maze. And saying “corn maze!”

Melissa says:

Fog
Pumpkin farm and antique stores in Snohomish
Coats and scarves
FRESH AIR (did you see the smog layer today...crazy)
Burning tons of candles that smell like pumpkin, apples, cinnamon, etc
Darkness at dinner time

Carrie says:

When it's dark in the morning and the bus is all sleepy and the lights shut off when the doors close
Fresh air
Better movies in theaters
Coming home after a blustery commute and putting on leisures
New TV season
Not sweating so much

Arkansas lost again yesterday but the Cowboys pulled one out. What is with me liking football all of a sudden? What is happening to me??

if i'm her idea of charm, then i have a nice styrofoam cooler she should meet

I saw these interviews with Zach Galifinakis at Michele's blog so I did what I had to do and ganked them.



Zach on Self-Confidence (from Harp):

HARP: You're really open about lacking confidence. Isn't confessing that a sign of weakness for a comic?

I don't think honesty is ever a weakness. Comics are supposed to feel like they're in control of the stage but offstage, they're really not in control. For a lot of comics, it's a fake confidence, [like] a guy that lifts a lot of weights might have some morale problems deep inside of his vacuoles. I was never confident when I first started. I was always amazed that people could be confident [performers]. I just stopped caring what the audience thought. I would watch comics and I knew that a good comic led the audience versus kowtowing to the audience. Once I realized that, I just said "Well, I don't know if this'll work out but I'll just do it anyway."

HARP: People with low self-esteem could take a lesson from that.

Just be honest with yourself and admit that you're not doing well. There's something quite honorable about knowing that you're not good [laughs]. I never thought I wasnt that good; it just took a long time to figure out how to translate the stuff I was thinking about onstage [into jokes].

HARP: Could I ask a favor? Maybe dial down the charm? Every time my wife hears your name, her eyes glaze over.

Your poor wife. If I'm her idea of charm, then I have a nice Styrofoam cooler she should meet.


Zach Galifianakis on significant others (Vice Magazine):

"When you first find love it makes you skip to the post office or wink at a German shepherd. Sometimes, if you're lucky, you will do both at the same time."

"But after awhile, out of nowhere, she's clipping her toenails and eating a corndog at the same time and it makes you wonder what the motherfuck happened."

"The only time you hold hands is when you're both reaching for the Ketel One at the same time."

"You confess that her tattoo of whatever Smurf that is on her lower shoulder is bad for dog-style lovemaking."

"That's how love goes."


Zach on Random Shit (Gothamist):

If someone were writing a cookbook and they wanted a pun for the title, what would you recommend that they use?

The Eligible Spatula

When should people expect to see Dog Bites Man on DVD?

Like myself, I think it will come out eventually.

a good reason not to homeschool your kids

clamato & neosporin

OH GOD there’s the annual staff meeting today and they're going to talk about the dress code, which says things like “no plaid hair” and “no facial piercings or visible tattoos that could cause psychological distress to a client.” What they should be banning around here is mom jeans and cat sweatshirts. All of my cat-apparel-clad coworkers are agitated about the new dress code and say they’re going to raise hell at the meeting. I think I will silently forfeit my right to plaid hair and do what I usually do during these painfully long and unlikeable meeting things, which is chew my cuticles and glance up occasionally from drawing sailboats and transparent cubes.

Today Adam Carolla said: “She’s so sanctimonious, that big sack of wind called Oprah. By the way, can’t anyone just fire back at that fat bitch?” Finally someone’s taking the piss out of Oprah! She’s not married and she’s not a mother and yet she’s the idol of all these married mothers. Makes about as much sense as tits on a lawnmower, as my grandaddy would say.

it's game day

I don’t know why I hate watching almost all other sports as much as I do and still love the Arkansas Razorbacks, but that is how I roll. They’re playing Alabama today (in Tuscaloosa) and we have the leading Heisman contender (Darren McFadden) and Alabama has this coach who is paid an ungodly amount of money (to bribe him away from the Dolphins last year) so it would be extra fun to beat them.



Plus I’m a big nerd about autumn. It’s my absolute favorite and I grew up going to Razorback games every Saturday in the fall and I miss it. Then in college I played rugby for them and was sort of a Razorback myself so I really felt like part of the cause. Boo ya! Nostalgia is fun.

Ozark tournament in 1994 that I was in, I don’t know if I was in this picture but if I am I'm playing left lock, almost buried. Look at all those bulldykes who would step on me wearing metal cleats.



A young virile Bill Clinton in a hog hat.

tyra vs. britney

turkish delight and peaceful resistance

You know what sucks, people who aren’t nice, that's what. My primal instinct is to retaliate somehow but as I get older and more philosophical I’ve been thinking about how retaliation isn’t good. So what do you do with the pain other people cause…there is no guide book for this. I want a formula, I want it in black and white, but it’s grey. Damn. I love what Ghandi and MLK and Christ had to say about passive resistance and peaceful disobedience where you stand your ground but don’t respond with aggression. I feel like there’s something magical about this tactic. It killed each of them in the end...dude. It reminds me of the Deep Magic in the Chronicles of Narnia. Maybe it is exactly the same thing. When I do the passive resistance/nonaggressive response thing I feel like something big is taking place, and I feel that I’m getting my ass kicked, but for the greater good. I feel like I’m living from a more honest place because I really believe that if you go around retaliating, everyone loses. I love CS Lewis for putting it into story when Aslan came back after being killed, and the stone table he had been killed on cracked in half, and he said “when a willing victim who has committed no treachery is killed in a traitor's stead, the Table will crack and Death itself will start working backwards."

That gives me chills..

(Also, I love Simone for sending me authentic Australian Turkish delight since she says a self-respecting Lewis fan should know what Edmund was talking about. Wait, if it were authentic, wouldn’t it be from Turkey and not Australia? Anyway, it beats the shitty Turkish delight from Pike Place Market all to hell. Sky rockets in flight! Turkish delight, turrr-urrr-rrrkish delight.)

cajunized tater tots

I just got a call from an angry woman and she said “I’ve been getting text messages from your phone and I don’t know you…” and I said sorry and that I’d fix the number in my address book. I had her number saved as Carrie’s so lord only knows what kind of texts she’s been getting. I was scared to look. The last text I sent this angry lady (thinking I was sending it to Carrie) said “We just got out of the car and Judah’s friends swarmed around him like they were fat people and he was Richard Simmons.”

That lady was probably fat.

I liked how TMZ said that Britney at the VMAs looked like “…a circus pony shot up with horse tranquilizers.” But now I’m scared the poor thing is going to kill herself from all the horrible stuff people have been saying. If that’s your whole identity then what do you do when people say this stuff about you? Give a black man a chance. When Chris Brown danced to Billie Jean I couldn’t believe it. I think that when Thriller came out was when I started to super love music. Something about Billie Jean and that insane bass line. My parents wouldn’t let me listen to it cause it was dirty so I had to on the sly. Not easy when it’s only on vinyl and you’re 8 yrs old.

Judah was mad at me today for not letting him wear his Neil Hamburger shirt to kindergarden. It sort of went like this:

“But mommy, why can’t I wear it to school??”
“Well, because it says things on it that the teacher might think are sort of weird.”
“What does it say?”
“Well, it says ‘poor album sales’ and ‘tuberculosis’ and ‘divorce’ and ‘food poisoning’….”
“My shirt says FOOD POISON?!”

No!

if i did it

"I am trying to get my life reasonable. I'm not going to ever be happy. Happiness isn't on, because happiness is temporary. Unhappiness is temporary. Ecstasy is temporary. Orgasm is temporary. Everything is temporary. But being reasonable is an approach. And being reasonable with yourself, it's very difficult, very difficult to be reasonable." – Phil Spector

I’m trying to be reasonable and find balance…who isn’t. But I’ve been really super trying. I’ve been really trying with my brother and sister to get our relationship healthy, not that it ever seemed that bad. We would have said we were close but I started to realize that we really weren’t and so a year or two ago I apologized to them for being a bad sister when we were growing up. When we were younger we weren’t at each other’s throats or anything but I was definitely a bitch a lot of the time. My sister seemed skeptical when I apologized to her but slowly things have gotten even better between us since then and that makes me happy. I’ve been frustrated recently because I feel like I’m the only one who every apologizes to her when I do something bad or unkind or just not nice, but when you apologize to someone you can’t expect the same thing from them. I think that betrays the purpose of giving an apology - you have to be sorry no matter what they feel. You can’t demand respect or an apology and get an authentic version of either. So anyway, the other day my sister called and apologized for something she’d done that had hurt my feelers and I was so touched and I felt like something groundbreaking had happened in our relationship, like we’re starting to have each other’s back now, truly. This is good, this is big.

octopus's garden

Tonight I made this for dinner and the kids said it was the best dinner EVER!

(hot dog + ramen noodles + green food coloring = Octopus On Seaweed)


They sang "I'd like to be! Under the sea! In an octopus's garden in the shade" and it sort of was the best dinner ever.