Friday, July 4, 2008


I was really touched by something one of my friends sent me after I told him he hurt my feelers. I asked his permission to put it here - I know it's kind of weird to share this, but I was so touched and I want to be able to be this non-defensive and giving.


It just hit me.

I apologize for my coldness and insensitivity to your experience. Maybe you caught me off guard with that, and maybe I was locked in my reactionary, defensive mode. I do not share your baggage with this subject.

I'm sorry.

Isn't that sweet? I don't often give apologies like that - okay, I think I never give apologies like that, and I want to, because of how cared for I feel since he said that. And how healing his saying that is.

My counselor says that just saying "I'm sorry" actually stops relationship because it's a way to not deal with the hurt you caused. Isn't that interesting and weird? It seemed to strange to me when she first told me but it's starting to make sense, because when you just say "I'm sorry" nothing has really taken place; you've been forced to acknowledge you hurt them but it's not usually said with softness and tears in your eyes. Counselor lady says if you say it with remorse and softness then it's very different than just saying the words and then expecting to move on with your relationship as if everything is okay. If you expand on what you did and own it and the person sees you feel their feelings, it helps them feel safe with you and then your relationship grows. So beautiful! I'm humbled by his apologizing like this and I want to be able to make these kinds of selfless apologies to others. I'm trying to surround myself with people who will tell me when I hurt them, and am trying to tell others when I feel that way too.

Now I'm fighting to not say something ironic and sarcastic here to offset my corniness...


D. Lee Grooms said...

Very, very cool. I'm glad you fought the sarcastic impulse, too—that can be a relationship-stopper as well (it's definitely one of mine). Just putting this and yourself out there is awesome.

Simone said...

I too struggle not to be sarcastic after something serious. I think I like to do it just to perk things up again after something heavy, rather than let the heaviness sit, but maybe I am taking away from the experience in doing so.

In any case, that was a most admirable apology and I too will strive to make more thorough apologies. It's true "I'm sorry" just isn't enough.

juls said...

dude where are you?

so was tommy's house big? i want the details. looks like a mansion.