things david said while watching the first oprah's favorite things giveaway episode

Oh God. Did you see that black man leaping? That’s the gayest, blackest man.

Are these like, homeless people, or…?

I think if Oprah asked them to eat her out they all would right now. But she has Gayle for that.

Look at all these giant people. I hope she’s giving away treadmills.

Are these people selected cause they like, need stuff? It would be better if it was random cause you know how grace is random.

Yay. You get a diamond watch. Now you can get mugged in broad daylight.

Two little O’s on the face! Also, the sun has an O. That’s because of me.

Retails for $2500? You’re all going to make a killing on eBay 3 hours from now.

Thora Burch? I like Thora Burch! Oh, Tory Burch. Who’s that? Ha, they just got unwearable shoes.

Oprah: Guess who took these photos. I did. David: Obviously.

Did you see that lady’s shirt? It said “cancer”!

This is a good way to get this crowd exercise for once.

Why are the elves wearing purple hats?

Oh my god. They have medics standing by. Those poor medics. Have to give mouth-to-mouth to a retired teacher who eats hamburgers all day.

She picked that color because it reminds her of her dog Sadie? That’s the color of a penis shaft, that’s what it is.

Those earrings are the color of yellow snow.

I’ve never seen more ugly people in one place at the same time.

Did you hear the clip-clop sounds? They’re making horse noises!

Ew, did you see that lady’s eyes? They’re swollen shut from crying.

Where do people put this stuff each time the elves come out? Do they put it under their seats or do they whisk it backstage during commercials? Is it just for effect?

I hope that the medics have to be used and they go into the audience and pump somebody’s chest.

The Black Eyed Peas are coming on? That should be funny.

Ew, they’re talking about Oprah’s Love Sandwich? That’s gross. That’s like saying Oprah’s Love Pie.

Why are they cheering wildly? It’s a brownie pan! I don’t like the edge, I like the middle. How about an edgeless brownie pan? Seriously, that’s the worst part of the brownie.

She’s giving away a book on weight loss? I hope it comes in a syringe. That’s the only weight loss plan they’re gonna follow. “Hey fatties, here’s a brownie pan and a weight loss book.” Yup, here they come, trays of brownies.

That lady is saying “thank you” and crying over Netflix? Please.

They go through this full range of emotions, from surprise to disbelief to comatose to hungry and back to comatose.

They have raised over $100 million to lift people out of poverty? That’s like 1% of her fortune.

EW gross, ew so yucky! Look at those models wearing that Oprah shirt and those dumb pants! Ew!! Those are the worst colors too. EW! Those pants cut your butt in half? Oprah needs a pair that cuts her butt in quarters. That’d be a start. She needs different fractions.

Free Nikes! Start jumping, fat people!

Yup, here come the elves again. Seriously, where are they putting this stuff, in the aisle?

What if Oprah’s favorite thing was “I’m setting you all on firrrrrrrre!”

Her cleavage is like a big buttcrack.

That cruise ship is a menace to the earth. It’s just like taking a dump in the ocean wherever it goes.

They’re not going to have the time of their lives, they’re going to be puking the whole time. Really though, that’s these people’s life goal, to finally get on a cruise ship.

I think it would be funny to name a cat Dollop.

(The Black Eyed Peas come out.) There’s nothing more honoring to Jesus than the Black Eyed Peas and a pitch-correction vocoder Christmas.

This audience is all old women and an occasional gay man sprinkled into the crowd.