Tuesday, November 23, 2010

things david said while watching the SECOND oprah's favorite things giveaway

Look, she’s wearing her favorite color, that Penis Shaft Beige.

Man, look at some of these haircuts.

That lady looks like she’s in pain. Did you see that? That woman has a giant horse mouth! She’s got like eighteen extra teeth. Was Oprah laughing at that woman who was in physical pain? Do you see that?

Oprah's yipping and circling around that iPad. Maybe she’ll go poop in a corner and bury it.

Those people don’t even know what an iPad does, they just know it’s an iPad.

Gross. I don’t want to hear her talk about how her Oprah app moves and grooves.

Oprah: I got a Scrabble score of 384! *cheering* David: Those people don’t even know what that means, they just respond to her tone.

This is such a mockery. You know what I mean? There’s nothing relational, nothing family, but there’s a giant Keebler elf mascot high-fiving people who just got a bunch of shit from Oprah.


Oprah: This is the third show in 25 years that Stedman has been to. David: Yeah, he’s usually too busy laying around in his underwear and investigating his mustache.

Oprah: My best friend Gayle is here! And Stedman’s in the control room watching. David: Because he doesn’t trust Gayle!

Oprah: You know that I am passionate about the power of a good bra. David: Oh Lord God! *pinches bridge of nose and squints*

An herb saver! We'll cheer for anything!

Ugh, that lady’s eyebrows. It looks like her face is under attack.

Diamond earrings, audience! You’re going to make your ex-husband wish he never divorced you!

(Oprah gives away a book on how to have the life you want by someone named Mark Nepo) Mark Nepo backwards is Kram Open!

Oprah's just a disgusting combination of Buddhism and retail.

Oh, they’re diving into those croissants. I want to see Horse Teeth get on those. She could take a whole tray down.

(Johnny Mathis comes out.) His hair went away a long time ago. I guarantee you that’s not real hair on there. It’s like packing material. What race is he? (Josh Groban walks onstage singing.) Oh goddammit.

Look at Johnny Mathis’s cd cover. He’s looking longingly into that horse’s eyes and massaging its snout.

Oprah: I call it my VW Bug my Toodle Car because I toodle around town in it. David: Yeah, as if.

That lady’s hair is just...dynamic.

Shoot me in the face PLEASE.


Anonymous said...

I wish I could watch TV with you guys all the time.

stephy said...

Nothing's more fun than heckling the tv!