"I don't understand why Obama calls himself black."
"I don't play fantasy baseball. That would only work for me if it were somehow connected to gambling."
"I think Sarah Palin is perfectly suited to be the Lenscrafters spokesperson and nothing more than that."
(lighting another smoke) "I don't need to live long. I wanna live till I want to die and then just let me die."
"Like most things it comes down to 'it's not worth the effort.' That's the bottom line for me."
"I've got an excuse now. Asperger's! I went to Portland and got diagnosed and now I have an excuse for every shitty thing that I do."
"This bluejay comes and visits me every day while I'm gardening. Well, I can't swear it's the same bird but I pretend it is."
"Holy shit, we need to get some more tequila. We're gonna finish this shit off quick."
"Dogs don't truly love people."
Me: "Do you have any documentation on that?"
Uncle Richard quotes I curated last night:
"Making money is a bitch. It is a BITCH. So is testosterone."
"The Dhali Lama seems like a tremendously Aspberger's guy."
"I'm wearing an Obama-Biden shirt to the [evangelical Christian] family reunion. I've decided I'm just going to be a sandwich board all week."
"I need a fork. It doesn't have to be clean."
"When I saw Black Beauty on the marquee in Det...roit in 1972 I thought it was a porno."
"Humor is legitimate lies."
"Her first husband was stone gay."
"I'll stop smoking when my body says it's time to stop smoking. But if you dig up a 70 year old water pipe, it's gonna be corroded."
"I threw my red plastic Emerson radio out the window when Bobby Thompson hit the home run in 1951 and won the World Series. And I'd do it again."
"I grew up in the best of times. I'd sit in the outfield bleachers at the home run derby and Ted Williams would hit them over my head."
"I can't wrap my mind around Twitter. You can tweet anything about anyone and then you're automatically part of the market economy."
"I don't think they should take away any man's vote, even the child molesters."
[To the boxing play-by-play announcer] "Wah wah wah." [Changes to Pakistani man yammering] "Well, this is even worse."
"I can't type because if I make a typo I have to fix it and then I lose my train of thought."
"I was a denizen of breaking into the Bronx zoo. They might as well have made a cage for me too."
"I can't play music but I know what I like. Oh hey, I left some meat on the grill."
[On David getting disinvited from Mars Hill Church on account of being married to me] "Getting banned from a church is like getting kicked out of the ladies' room at a gay bar. Which I did. Got kicked out because I wanted a cigarette and Conney had the matches."
"I have great stories, but they only have titles."