Tuesday, November 27, 2012

things uncle richard said during thanksgiving 2012

“It would be freeing for you girls to walk around in a burqua so you’d get to be appreciated for your minds. Maybe.”
“I have no idea what my wifi password is. Don’t ask me. Why do I even need to have a password? Anyone who wants to use my internet is welcome to.”
“I’m just trying to make you uncomfortable till you get out of my seat.”
“See, because they don’t have Obama’s birth certificate they aren’t sure he was born.”
“You’re writing down what I’m saying again? How do you separate the wheat from the chaff?”
“I was getting concerned that I have empathy for Mitt Romney, but I could tell he has Aspberger’s too.”
“I don’t look people in the eye. I can tell you all about their teeth, though.”
“I don’t want to get on Facebook. I’d feel like a traitor to my race.” Me: “To the Jewish race?” R: “No, the human race!”
“I’m not good at it (sex), and it’s as simple as that.”
“So that law passed! Are the streets of Seattle all filled with dope smokers now?”
“I’ve always known I wanted to be old. You don’t know anything till you’re old. I want to have done everything and have nothing left to do.”
“You never tell the truth when a woman asks certain questions. I mean, come on.”
“I’m an Asperger’s survivor. I feel great, but it’s how other people feel about me that’s the problem.”
“We haven’t locked our front door in 36 years. I wouldn’t live in a place where I had to lock my door. But I did stop leaving my keys in the car after it got stolen twice.”
“If you read your bible carefully, you’ll learn that Botox adds to your time in purgatory.”
To Conney Mae: “I’m not going to get that platter down, I just got up from my nap!” Whispering to us: “I just defused a volatile situation.”
“Two things I did in my life I did right: I got the right bathtub and I got the right TV.”
“You know how it excites me when you say whipped!”
“We need a designated coffee fetcher.”
“They make stuff badly on purpose so it breaks and you’ll actually say ‘Oh good, I get to buy another!’ It’s vicious.”
To Judah: “Commercials allow people to make money off you, which is the only reason you exist.”
“I can’t imagine what kind of pervert would want chocolate ice cream on their pumpkin pie.” (this was said by Conney Mae)
“You guys are making me want to be religious. You’re so hateful about religion that it sounds fun.”
“Just pack that gluten in.”
(looking at the remnants of pizza) “Boy, what a bunch of rapists.”
“I was confident Obama would win but at the end fear overcame belief because the prospect of Romney as president is horrifying. 48% voted for Romney? That’s a hate vote if I ever saw one. You think the Civil War has ended, just look at the election results.”
“You should reserve daviddruryisanasshole.com.”
“In the ‘50s I’d go to the annual charity game on the polo grounds in Manhattan. There used to be little bridges you could walk across the river from the Bronx to Manhattan. Roy Campanella was my favorite. Played for the Brooklyn Dodgers, he was a catcher. He was in a car crash and was paralyzed. Ended his career, of course. Man.”
“I’m good! Well, I’m grumpy but that won’t affect you. You just asked how I am.”
(Sets down an orchid from his greenhouse in front of me.) “This orchid just opened today, so this is in honor of you guys. Look at that guy. He’s got a little purple lip. Not all orchids smell, but some smell like the ocean to me.”
Me: “Judah was 9 lbs 12 oz when he was born.” R: “That must have smarted.”
“I used to get sick to my stomach after kissing girls because I was allergic to their lipstick. I was worried! What’s wrong with me? I’d kiss a girl and get nauseous.”
“I always wanted to die on the pitcher’s mound.”
“Well, I’ve decided that you can’t go. I’ve always wanted a biographer.”