Advent is hard for me. It’s the active remembrance of 400 years of silence and suffering squished into 4 weeks and it feels concentrated and heavy in parts. I was dong okay with it up until yesterday when we had a meeting at church saying that we aren’t going to keep being able to pay our pastor if things keep up the way they’ve been going and I can’t internalize that quite yet because it makes me so scared. This community has been the biggest gift for me after we left our church of 12 years. Leaving that church involved a lot of heartache and now the possibility of my lifesaving community going away is breaking my heart. The problem is everyone in the community is broke. And money shouldn’t even be an issue. We (Wits’ End is the name of the church) live really low to the ground. The pastor is abhorrently underpaid of course and has three small kids (of course) and today I’m sitting with the memories from the church situation two years ago in which a family was removed from staff and treated as if the church didn’t want them to be their problem anymore. That's not what's happening here at Wits' End; quite the opposite - the pastor and his kids are very much wanted but we can't even afford to underpay them. It's a trauma stressor I suppose and is reminding me of the spiritual and emotional fallout from the church stuff two years ago that has been devastating for everyone who’s had to watch, and it makes me wish very much I was in the position where I didn’t have to see any of this if I didn’t elect to. I hope I would still elect to though. But these realities are ugly and I am feeling Advent heaviness even harder today. This Wits’ End community has been a livesaving godsend for me and they’re my only family nearby and I hate that their existence is at risk so this is what I’m sitting with now.
Now that I’ve said all this I feel better, thanks.