Wednesday, March 30, 2011

love and loss in cyberspace: chrissy's facebook predicament

My friend Chrissy is in a conundrum. This is the best story I've heard in awhile (i.e., all day...er, since yesterday) and she said I could tell it here.

The Cliff Notes version is that she and an acquaintance would routinely spar on Facebook when he would post fundamentalist status updates. Then suddenly a post came along that he had passed away. Here's the email that she sent me:

"Ok, so there's this guy who posts incredibly annoying status updates about Jesus all the time. I may have sent you guys some of his ridiculous posts in the past. He tends to be very manipulating, and kind of mean (but mostly dumb), so I challenge him frequently (or at least when I'm feeling feisty) because I don't believe Jesus is mean or manipulative (or dumb). Or else he makes attempts at jokes that never make me laugh, so he continues to get on my nerves as an offense to my sense of humor. I just found this status update and it got on my nerves because I thought he was failing to make a joke about having a bad night's sleep:
Basically, I thought it was his attempt at a joke, which is what inspired my comment. Even the comment before mine seemed like someone trying to play along with him, or something. I can't explain my thought processes thoroughly, but essentially, I "didn't get it." After perusing his page, I realized dude actually fucking died!!! (which was probably pretty fucking clear to ya'lls, but...) I'm sorry if I look extremely offensive, my friends, but I simply could not align my thoughts without my knowledge of his facebook presence effecting my judgement. Thankfully, less than a minute after my update, I realized that he actually died in real life, so I deleted it. Hopefully his family, or whoever posted the update, will never see it. Of course (maybe because I'm a bitch) I HAD (HAD! HAD!) to take a screen shot before deleting it. I just couldn't believe it! It's awful. It's wrong. But in a sense, it's still kinda hilarious. "Do you mean 'sleep apnea'?" I look like a god damn spelling Nazi! Hopefully, I'll see him in heaven. If not, see you all in hell! (Or maybe just on Failbook?)

Torn In Pieces,

Chrissy"

Her second email to me said:

"'Torn in pieces' was a bit of an exaggeration, though I would have been completely mortified if I didn't realize he was dead until today. Good thing I did my research! It mostly gave me a good laugh at the dark, but innocent quality of the circumstances. I had to share it! As for my relationship with him, I didn't interact with him frequently but I DO have a recent example that is perfect:
As you can see, in this life, he and I would never have been on the same page. Especially since I got wasted on St. Patty's Day, or as I like to call it: A Thursday night."
After querying her further as to the cause of death, her third email was as follows:

"My theory? His last couple of updates were about some really intense workout he was starting. He died the night of day 4. Check it:
With a personal training background I can definitely say this would be extremely intense for someone who has health issues and is out of shape. Day ONE?! Fitness TEST??? Shit. That's an athlete's workout right there. 'Sleep anea' my ass! Not that I'm a doctor, it's just that I'm not a retarded person. 'Insanity Workout'? 'Suicide Jumps'? Exactly."
And there's the sordid tale.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

earthquake prediction, lavender hour, and faux comedy

Okay, so check this out. This scientist lady predicted the Japan earthquake based on planet alignment. I know it sounds far-fetched, but just watch.



I heard them talk about that earthquake thing on the last Lavender Hour (my new second-favorite podcast). It's Duncan Trussel and Natasha Leggero and I love it love it love it. On this episode Duncan was talking about how Digg.com was bought out and they sneaked advertising into all the links and you'd think you were clicking on something awesome but it was just an ad they tried to sneakily place and make it look like a candid video. Duncan goes (and I typed it out cause I loved it) "You ad guys are failing miserably. No one is dumb enough to think that your cleverly worded link that leads to something about a major corporation is anything other than that. We all get it, you’re not fooling anybody, all it’s doing is making you look like absolute idiots. People are too savvy. Just say what’s good about it and hope people buy it and leave us alone. Just stop plastering your cancer ads everywhere, you fuckin reptilians. Nobody wants to look at it anymore. It’s become appalling. Maybe if you could figure out a way to do it…well, I don't know how you could do it. We’re all waking up to the truth that 99% of the nonsense you’re pumping into the veins of America is poison." At some other point he went "Our liberties have been taken away by the corporate overlords and there’s nothing you can do about it. Everything you see on tv, anything you retrieve from the mainstream media has been run through a series of filters that have turned it into a watered down form of capitalist diarrhea."

Then Natasha was talking about how she's getting ready to do a Comedy Central special but she can't say all these words and pussy is one of them, and Duncan said this: "Why can’t you talk about pussy? Why can’t you talk about the main portal through which human beings enter this planet? In fact, it’s the only portal. They're scared kids are going to hear? The kids just crawled out of a pussy. Pussy is the #1 driving force behind all these idiots working in these corporations anyway. It’s the secret god of capitalism and nobody wants to say its name. It’s eerie man, you should be able to talk about pussy and cunt and whatever. These kids are gonna find out."

They also talked about how Nancy Grace is a M.I.L.K. (mom you'd like to kill).

I was also mesmerized by this guy's "comedy" videos —



Here's an interview with him on Videogum. Just enchanting!

And I really liked this interview with Bono, and I really like this Bangable Dudes in History site. And I think that's all for now.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

never say no to panda

Carrie said this commercial will fulfill all my wildest dreams and did it ever!





Then I got this extremely excellent email about my blog last week. It made Email of the Day on the Facebook page.

From: Jayne Mendius
To: Stuff Christian Culture Likes
Subject: Hot? Or maybe not?

Stephanie,
Just wanted to know I'm dropping your often entertaining blog today because I'm personally appalled by your "ew" at my innocuous comment.

The thought that my husband and I finding each other "hot" (a common expression defined in the dictionary as : sexy, attractive) turns your stomach is your problem, not mine, but I wanted you to know your hostile attitude (which I just don't get, some Christian thing,, maybe?) has lost you two enthusiastic readers who will no longer be recommending your site to others.

I could say something equally rude to you in return, but I'll pass and just think of pleasant thoughts, like the hot sex life I enjoy with husband. Which is a topic brought up on YOUR site, not something I go around crowing about regularly.

Please, no response required.

JM

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

ash wednesday

It's Ash Wednesday but it feels like it's already been a season of Lent all year. It's hard to write about. But along with being sad I'm hopeful. Sometimes more than others but any at all is good!

I like this painting a lot. I do enjoy a swarthy Jesus. As part of Epiphany a church was uncovering parts of the painting each week. Once it was uncovered they added the question mark cutout. The guy putting it on said "Won't this deface the painting?" and the pastor said "Yes, and it'll make it more beautiful." I just really liked that.

Monday, March 7, 2011

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I was listening to this today and was fully doubled over in my cube laughing and snorting. Adam is totally ignoring the callers and turning up the music and then he does it to Drew.

Friday, March 4, 2011

eugene ftw

"Pastors, don't look at people as problems to fix or resources to use. They're both dehumanizing." —Eugene Peterson

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

oh hi mark


I haven't been posting much lately because I'm holding all this church sadness. I vascillate wildly between laughing at youtube clips of cats flushing toilets and then feeling overcome by grief that I feel down in my bones and it's just an awful lot. I'm getting through okay, though. I feel like goodness has come kind of out of the blue and helped me in a lot of ways. I really haven't felt something spiritual quite this viscerally in a long time though and it is exhausting. I wonder how much longer I'll have to carry it.

Well now this is getting too intense, time to post my new favorite website, Paula Deen Riding Things!