Friday, February 4, 2011

jeff breakfast taunts elevation church

Elevation Church is this megachurch in North Carolina that brags about how it's the fastest growing church in north America. They try super hard to be cool and they make David and me want to throw up, they're seriously the douchiest douches who ever douched.

So the pastor posted this contest for pastors on Vimeo and Jeff Breakfast entered.

Here is the original contest announcement clip:

Win the Ultimate Church Plant Road Trip from Elevation Church on Vimeo.

...and here is what Jeff Breakfast sent to him.

Reverend Jeff Breakfast
Distance from the Ground Baptist Church
Stillborn, Oklahoma

RE: Win the Ultimate Churchplant Roadtrip

Dear Elevation Church:

I have been drinking Red Bull and praying all morning in preparation for my day. Forgive me if I am a little bit PUMPED for WINNING SOULS. That’s how I roll!

But also I am three sheets to the STOKED for your gracious invite! What a blessing it would be to hit the road in my “prayer-conditioned” van and GET ELEVATED with y’all on your very “special” Five Year Anniversary. I look forward to meeting America’s most rocking pastor Steven Don’t-call-him-Hawking Furtick and the Dutiful Flock up in North Carolina. Y’ALL ARE MY INSPIRATION! That would be a dream come true .There is nothing I would love more, except maybe if that road I was travelling on was paved in gold, and St. Peter was in the passenger seat. Also if my van tabs weren’t expired.

Wow! What a year it has been!

My name is Pastor Jeff. I preach and teach The Word as Senior Pastor here at Distance From the Ground Baptist, a little baby church plant out of Stillborn, Oklahoma. We have been here for one year, but what a year it has been! Like up and coming rap artist LL Cool J would say, “Don’t call it a comeback, I have been here for one year.”

2010 Accomplishments:

$2 million raised!

1,943 souls saved!

2,113 Bibles smuggled into New Mexico!

5,699 hungry people prayed for!

New Organist!

But let me back up. Four years ago I was a Bible College dropout. Maybe “got drop-kicked out” is a better way of putting it. I had a “special” girl that year who I kept under my unappreciative thumb. She would have made a great pastor’s wife. We were saving our special first kiss for the chapel steps on our wedding day (first sex too of course!), but with all that extra time on our hands we turned to Oxycontin and horse tranquilizers. In one semester I fell from the top of my class all the way down to the bottom of a literal metaphorical well. My school kicked me out. My parents (in ministry) would have nothing to do with me. Even my girl left me (for her youth pastor…doh!).

I found myself in a moral gutter—a failed student, a failed boyfriend and a failed Pastor’s Kid! On a whim, I decided to become a failed stand-up comedian too, which I quickly achieved. I spent my days drinking cigarette butts out of beer cans and my nights telling crude jokes, funneling my pain into angry one-liners directed hilariously at God.

Then one day I picked up Bible and read the words of Rachael Ray. It was a Mom’s and Wives On the Go Study Bible (Zondervan) and she wrote the introduction! Anyway, the equally hilarious and perky TV personality “cooked up” some very poignant thoughts about the person of Christ which I will never forget. He wasn’t merely a pontificating finger-wagger with a headset mic. Our Lord also had some lighter moments. Have you read the Sermon on the Mount? He knew how to keep people on their toes, and he did it with laughter. I think he was the funniest man who ever lived! The Romans had no sense of humor, of course.

The Lord put it on my heart to dedicate my life to WINNING SOULS for the Kindgom using LAUGHTER. I want people, because of me, to laugh at Jesus. I want to make Jesus laughable to everyone! When people talk about sidesplitting laughter, remember—that is a reference to one of Jesus’ last acts on the cross. I also decided that day I would give up drinking and drugs, I would finish school and plant a church with a unique vision for laughter! Also, I would surrender my lustful thoughts about Rachael Ray.

Well here we are! In the last year our little church has changed location twice. We have undergone six name changes (5 strategic, 1 copyright infringement), been led in worship by 11 different men (hint: Craigslist is no match for a search committee), and even endured one church split (over a “perceived” animal baptism. I was NOT baptizing Shasta! He broke my van window and ran into that river during the service. I would never baptize a dog who hadn’t yet made a public confession of faith. Do please keep Shasta in your prayers).

By the Grace, things have come together. You might have noticed that we got a lot of press recently when I performed a 24-hour Altar Call during a leadership conference to promote my first book, “Get ready Eye-of-the-Needle… This Camel’s a-Coming!” (Thomas Nelson). This is only the beginning.

Goals for 2011:

Raise $19 million!

Save 5,000 souls!

Erect massive simulcast screens in arbitrary locations!

All expenses paid road trip to Elevation Church in North Carolina!

Terry Schiavo Memorial Museum!

New Organist!

Things are still tough, however. T-shirt and worship CD sales are down. We have taken a beating on YouTube. Like Jesus promised, I have been prosecuted for my faith on a regular basis. I am learning, however, to see my life as a series of missionary positions and I press on to fight the good fight! I know it is a sin to covet, but I covet your prayers! (Not your wife, Steven, just your prayers! Ha ha! I’m not saying your wife isn’t pretty. I haven’t seen your wife. I am sure she is very covetable. Does she look like Rachael Ray?)

Anyway, fingers crossed, this trip would mean a lot to me and my team, and Shasta (he will not get out. Window is fixed and he has a “new leash” on life!)

In His Tender Grip,

Pastor Jeff Breakfast


For your consideration, please review my most recent broadcast media interview with The Other Journal, a publication of Mars Hill Graduate School in Seattle, Washington at


Jen said...

I meandered over here from your other blog. I had seen Jeff's entry (cracked me up!) but this is the first time I'd ever seen the church video announcing the contest. So you mean to tell me that a chance attend their church and watch a documentary they made that pats themselves on the back for being awesome, is what you get if you WIN?

LKT said...

That is hilarious!

stephy said...

Jen, yeah, that's what you get if you win. What a great prize!

Jen said...

Worst. Prize. Ever.

Moorea Seal said...

BAHAHA ok, i really dig you guys.

and also, i'm kind of super duper pissed at the leaders of grace for a bajillion reasons, currently i'm focused on how frustrated i am with them calling in M&K and you guys to chat with them as if they are the bosses who let you into heaven and can spank you on the butt for not obeying their authority.

i'm praying for you guys today and will be continuing to pray for moons and moons. i'm thankful for people like you who also happen to be Christian. Most of the time I am pissed at the Christian community and don't want to have anything to do with most Christians. You guys give me hope. Thanks for reminding the world that God likes humor, wit, intellectual questioning, and independent spirits.

you be bomb.
lots of love, Moorea